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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

WTF - Revamping the Dating Plan

My son has informed me dating has changed from my "Good Old Days."

When I was in high school I waited by the family phone waiting for someone to call.

Sometimes they never did, sigh!

Now most kids use the carpool line as their SpeedDating while waiting for your Mom.

My son jumps in the car, "So and So is talking to So and So."

I ponder this, talking? "What are they talking about?"

He shakes his head, "They're talking about stuff."

"Well that sounds mighty exciting, I love talking about stuff." I reply. "Uh, hashtag LAME."

He sighs, "Jeez Mom, you don't talk about stuff. You're married." Sensing my confusion he explains, "They're texting each other, see? Like So and So and I are talking, I sent her a text earlier today and she replied."

I look at his phone, all I could make out was "hey" and a reply of "hey." Pretty heavy duty stuff. I'm not sure this relationship is gonna last, he hasn't even added her name to her contact.

"So you are talking by texting, what happens after talking?" I ask.

He looks out the window, "Then you start Hanging Out."

"Oh, like going on a date?" I ask.

"No, you hang out, like all of us hanging out before you pick me up."

I think about this, "So do you talk while hanging out?"

He looks at me like I'm dumb, "No, she's standing right there, I'm not gonna text her."

"Oh! That's right, talking is texting and hanging out is talking without texting, I'm getting this! What's next?"

"Dating," he replies.

"Now I understand this one. Do you take her out to dinner or a movie? I have coupons to the climbing tower, you could climb together?"

He sighs, I guess I'm too excited about this, "No, we just hang out and do stuff."

"Do stuff? Hanging out? Isn't that texting?"

"No, really Mom, we hang out together with friends but we're dating."

I think about this, I'll never understand how all this works!

"So you Talk, then you Hang Out, then you Date.  What's next?"

He thought for a moment, "Breaking up?"

I think for a moment, "Then do you break up by talking, or just stop hanging out? Or talking and hanging out but not together?"

"Mom," he moans.

Later that day I text my honey: "Hey."

He sends back, "Hey."

Guess we're talking now.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

WTF - The Laundry Wars

We are currently in a laundry war in my house right now.
Shouldn't you be doing laundry?
Day 1 - I find everything I just folded pushed off the bed onto the floor, of course the dog peed on it.

I line both of the boys up, "I'm not doing your laundry anymore, oh and the dog peed on that pile of clothes."

Day 2 - the pile of clothes is still there, minus a few items telling me they did the smell test, figuring out what was still clean and wore it.

They walk by, I can't help saying, "What's that smell?" They look horrified running back to their room.

Day 3 - the pile is still there, I can't smell the pee because it is now surrounded by their dirty clothes and it smells like feet in the room.

Day 4 - The pile has been pushed to the corner of the room, the dresser drawers open what was left of  clean clothes pulled out and fallen to the floor. I close the door, keeping the dog out of the room because at this point it smells like a locker room and she'll want to mark everything.

Day 5 - the pile of clean clothes in front of the dresser is diminishing, the pile of dirty clothes taking over the right side of the room.

Day 6 - my socks are missing. I suspect children are raiding my amazing sock collection as all of their items are now dirty.

Day 7 - my long underwear has gone missing. Really? I find it in a child's room, there's no way I'm sniff testing that baby.

Day 8 - I have banned myself from the downstairs, walking through the rooms simply pisses me off right now. They are walking around the house in their underwear hoping I'll crack.  No way! I'm hiding my clean socks and long underwear.

They start raiding Dad's drawers.

This is all he has left.
Day 9 - I throw a major temper tantrum about the downstairs, throwing dirty clothes at them, they finally give in and stuff the washer with as much dirty clothes as it can hold while commenting to each other they "don't know what's wrong with me?"

Day 10 - their clothes are still in the washer.

Day 11 - I've got laundry to do, I justify moving the amazing amount of clothes from the washer to the dryer for them.  Of course, when I need the dryer, I put their big pile of clean clothes on a bed and continue with my day.

Day 12 - Somehow,  the pile of clean clothes fell off the bed and onto the floor just as the dog walked by.

I'm going for a glass of wine.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

WTF - New Year Resolutions

Can you believe it's been a year since I didn't become the better person I was supposed to be?

I've always thought New Year Resolutions were for suckers, people who want pressure and drama in their life.

Here's how New Year Resolutions are Stressful:
You stand there looking at the Oreo package, only three cookies left, but didn't say you were eating healthy this year. What do you do?

Justify emptying the package because it is taking too much room in the pantry?
Figure you'll put your resolution of eating healthy on the kids, eating the cookies so they are not tempted.
Ditch the resolution and dip those babies into cold milk until they practically fall apart, achieving your resolution of finding happiness with each delicious bite.

A friend forwarded me an article by WEBMD on "How to make resolutions that stick."

First of all, WEBMD? Really, I can't go to that website without coming out with Stage IV Rectal, abdominal, combinational cataract cancer! But I did take a moment, reading the article, thinking, "Hey, I could do this." Here is the list:

8. Think about last year. No wait, don't think about last year, you'll either give up resolutions completely as you make your way to the Confessional or your day is shot as you remember, "Oh ha! Who's decision was it to swim naked there?" Thinking about last year could get you in trouble.

9.  Write it down. The article says nothing gets done without writing it down, I'm still up with Think about last year and writing down everything for blackmail, or that autobiography bestseller "What happens on the mountain, stays on the mountain." I could be rich either way!

8. Don't try to do it all in January. Unless it is drinking, what a great resolution to see if you can go through all those Christmas presents in one month.

7.  Go from Baby Steps to Big Goals. You don't have to purchase the Magnum of Wine just yet, start with a bottle and feel good about yourself.

6.  Get a little help from your friends.  Especially that pesky resolution of Drinking More. Tell your friends it is water, pull out the magnum when they appear!

5.  Identify Time Wasters - seriously who needs kids bothering you when you're trying to surf the internet or binge watch Vikings. Get rid of those time wasters!

4.  Sometimes a year is not enough. Just do what I do Jan 2nd, ditch that resolution because hey, we all knew you weren't going to keep it anyway. Unless it was the Drink More!

Here's a few resolutions that are keepers:

I will exercise more, don't send a text to someone in the other room, yell louder!
I will throw out the hair in the drain of the tub immediately and not build up a slimy wad!
I will not treat the dog like a vacuum, not ALL the time.
I will not eat medicine because it tastes like candy.
I will not drink and order online, I'm still trying to figure out my Shake Weight.
I will not take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time. (Don't ask)

So there ya have it, a great way of making 2017 a successful year!


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Merry Christmas from the Melang Family

Happy Holidays! I'd love to say I'm saving the Earth one piece of paper at a time and not doing cards this year, but honestly, I just forgot about it.

So here's our Christmas newsletter, electronic edition:
We are doing great! Especially this snow season as we have snow on the ground for Christmas break! Remember last year, the year of "skiing the patch?" This time last year we were hiking Profile Trail of Grandfather and not on the slopes. Any day on the snow is a good day.

Wolfgang is coming into his own with Watauga High School and I am thrilled. He now has his core group of friends and seems over his shyness. How do I know?

He asked a girl to Homecoming, and went.
He went from "get me out of here" to "Can you pick me up late, we're hanging out."
He stayed for all football games, and now the basketball games

Most of all,
He and two friends decided to go shirtless singing a country version of "Santa Baby."

So with all the doubting myself, I am breathing a sigh of relief as he is now living the high school life, something he couldn't do if we were still commuting every weekend for time on the mountain. We've found our home.

Max is enjoying Valle Crucis Middle School, and all the awkward things that go with being a pre-teen. He participated in the Color Run, and has a core group of 5 friends, good boys who really enjoy each other.  Max is getting straight A's in school in addition to being moved a grade ahead in Math for this year. Definitely didn't get the Math gene from me!

I took several jobs this year.

I became a yogi, teaching classes for visitors this summer at Elk River Club, then continuing my teaching and practice with locals with Beech Mountain Club. I absolutely love this, especially when I sit at home with a glass of wine watching yoga videos, planning my classes (did I just say that?) My practice is getting better, my flexibility along with it, I'm even moving into the intermediate poses and pulling my winter friends class with me. I can honestly say yoga has helped me breath literally and figuratively, I don't know what I would do without practicing at least 3 times a week. Right now we are enjoying the "Lion's Breath" pose. Look it up, it's pretty cool.

I took a job as Administrator for Beech Mountain Academy, a non profit helping children become something bigger than themselves by joining a team. We have two divisions, Alpine Racing (gated racing Giant Slalom etc) and Freestyle Ski and Snowboard.  There is nothing better than coaches who are proud helping their kids achieve their goals and watching how these kids gel together. Both teams are an awesome representation of Beech Mountain and I'm humbled being part of this process.

My writing is going well, I'm enjoying the phrase, "If I don't write it, I will do it," phrase when people read some of my short stories, looking up with a "WHAT?" I've finished editing a Contemporary Romance and plan on releasing it through Medium.com in January. One more pass through! Since you're here on my blog, you're in the right place, I'll post the links on all my social media sites as well as here!

Jeff's work is going well, two big things of interest. If you see the new "Most Interesting Man in the World" (Dos Equis) commercial, looking the helicopter in the background. Jeff setup that deal, getting that helicopter to Tampa for a big Dos Equis promotion. Honestly, to me Jeff is the most interesting man in the world.

Jeff received his Aircraft Appraisal Certification this year, helping sellers and buyers determine the correct price for their aircraft. One of his cool appraisals was finding the correct value of the original AirForce One, Eisenhower's plane sitting for years in the airplane graveyard. This airplane  almost collided with another airplane in mid air, creating the VIN number system we use today, determining aircraft by a number rather than make and model.  If you want to see something cool, visit the airplane graveyard in the desert by clicking here.

Shawnee the dog got attacked by two dogs last Thanksgiving and is vibrant today, our pocketbook not so after the $2400 vet bill.

Both boys had a great mountain biking season except for Max breaking his arm in the last race of the season. He crashed at the finish line and asked with a bent arm, "I crossed the finish line, right? What was my time?" His next question at the ER after learning it was broken was, "This is great, I'll be ready to go for snowboard season, right? 6 weeks!" Wolf's last race was riding for a local bike shop, Magic Cycles, he was thrilled to ride their gear wearing their colors.

So where are we now? Sitting in front of a fire, with a glass of wine arguing about whether we should watch A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation or Elf! Here's to our electronic hug coming through your computer wishing you a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Much Love, the Melang Family

Oh and did I mention this?

Yeah, this.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

WTF - Are You Happy To See Me?

Warning: If you are easily offended, pass on this one. Otherwise party on.

Would you like Dark or Milk Chocolate?

Every year we have a Naughty or Nice party in our mountain community, two things make this one unique:

Everyone is naughty, not a single nice gift.
The Median age of our group is older than me. (and I'm not telling my age, just old)

So I only get to visit Night Secrets, our local Fantasy Store once a year (seriously, I'm not kidding) for this party. Today was the day as I heard weather was coming in and I may not make it back to Boone tomorrow my last day before the party.

I'll start with a lift conversation between my sweet innocent husband and a good friend.

"What are you getting for the Naughty or Nice Party?"
He paused for a second, "A big Chocolate D*ck."
Our friends pauses for a very long time, we're worried we offended him, responds, "I could take a bite of that. Dark Chocolate or Milk Chocolate?"
Usually what happens on the lift, stays on the life, but I didn't name names right?

Back to me HAVING to get this gift, how do I do it with a child in the car?

"Where are you going?"
"I'm going into the AT&T store."
"Why? You have Verizon."
"I'm getting an accessory for a phone and they are the only one that has it."
"Is it for me for Christmas?"
"Oh, OK."

Once safely inside, my car parked prominently in front of the AT&T store, I start down one aisle.

Thought Process:
How could some of these items come in so many different sizes and colors?
What is THAT for?
Oh my God.
That's hilarious, oh, they are serious about it.
5 DD batteries? Are we powering the revolution?
Maybe if I turn it upside down....OOOHHHH!

I pick out my gift bringing them up to the counter, the girl looking at my beet red face then down at my purchases.

"Would you like me to open this one and put batteries in it seeing if it works?"

(Oh, shit) "Um yes, that's good idea."

"You'll need 2 AA batteries for this guy, do you need batteries?"

"Uh no, I have kids." (Crap! Did I just say that? What is she thinking? Why is she smiling at me?)

She puts the batteries in, turns it on, we both stand there watching it for what seems a long period of time.

"Looks like it works like a champ," she says.

"Yep, someone's gonna be happy," I reply (Did I just say that?)

She takes the batteries back out and we both sigh as she puts it back in the box going back to ringing up my other purchases. Just as she's completing the purchase, I stop her,

"Wait do you have any chocolate d*cks?"

"Of course, they are over there by the vaginas."

Of course they are.

Merry Christmas the naughty way, what would you bring to a Naughty or Nice party?

Thursday, December 8, 2016

WTF - Twelve Days of Christmas

On the First Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
A Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the second day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
two heart attacks
and a Lerner's Permit from the DMV

On the third day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the fourth day of Christmas ,my teenager gave to me
Four squealing tires
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the fifth day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
Four squealing tires
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the sixth day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
Six wrong ways!
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Seventh day of Christmas I got from m
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Eighth day of Christmas I got from my Teenager,
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas I got from my Teenager
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Eleventh Day of the Christmas my teenager gave to me
11 missed turn signals
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
12 grey hairs
11 missed turn signals
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

Sunday, December 4, 2016

WTF - Do you Fraser Fur?

The picture in the head is never like the actual reality is it?

This year we went on our yearly excursion for THE perfect Christmas tree. Little disclaimer to start, my husband it not the best with it comes to crowds, kids and campiness.

Enter the SugarPlum Fairy Christmas Tree Farm. (Go there, they said, you'll love it)

We pull in and are met by a very nice lady,

"Take Blitzen Way down to Comet Road then make a sharp on Snowflake circle, you can park there."

My husband looks at me, "Is that some kind of code?"

Of course he takes the wrong way through Frosty's Garden one of the guys yelling at us while pointing to Snowflake Circle.

The hubby is always the man with a plan, this time it's my turn with the plan! "We take the hayride up to the trees, pick a tree, cut it down and we're good to go!" I say excited.

He looks at his watch, "So what, fifteen minutes?"

I walk around Sugar Plum Village, into Christmas Corner and return back to the hubby with his hands on his hips, "You're late we missed the Sugar Plum Express."

Trying not to laugh, I say, "What?"

"The hayride, the hayride already left, see?" He points to the disappearing wagon. "You went past the North Pole, we are supposed to wait here. Now we have to wait for the next SugarPlum Express."

"Let me take your picture, stick your head in the snowman." Was that a smile?

We make the second hayride, and it circles all around the farm the hubby saying, "Are we back on Snowflake Lane AGAIN, we were just there. We keep circling the trees, tell them to stop and let us off!"

"Oh honey, just enjoy the experience," I say as we finally stop at the trees.

A very nice man in a Carhart suit hands my husband a saw, he looks at it with a "Do what?" I'm handed a white pole. "This is to help you measure your tree." It comes out like, "Thas is here to hep ya murshure yur traigh."

We start up in the trees, Matthew starts with a 75 footer, "This one's perfect!" Max of course goes for the Charlie Brown tree, "I want this one." The hubby picks the first one in front of him, "This is it, I'm cutting it down."

I stop everyone, "WAIT! This is supposed to be a great experience, look at all these trees! We have to find the PERFECT one!"

All three of them sigh, follow me as I look at every tree, five minutes of looking at trees, they all yell, "I love it! It is perfect!" when I pause in front of any tree even a dead one.

I hear one of them saying, "We should have brought water and snacks, this is gonna take forever."

Finally, they can't take it anymore and make me pick a tree. The Hubby holds out the saw to the kids pointing to halfway down the tree!

"Wait a minute!  Go lower, you're leaving part of the tree!"

"Did you see the price list? It's cheaper if it's shorter! Let's cut here." Before I can argue they are sawing away. The kids each take two swipes loose interest, giving the saw to the hubby running off into the forest. He saws, takes off his jacket cause he's getting hot, continues, then asks, "Don't you want to experience this Christmas memory? My heart is racing."

Me, "Naw, your life insurance is up to date, you can do it."

We finally get the tree down, he walks next to another Dad in the farm, pulling our tree saying, "Jeez we have to do all the work AND pay for the tree!" The other Dad sighs, "I know!" Finally we take it down to Blizzard circle for tagging, my husband moaning that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks! The same guy in the Carhart says, "Why did you cut the tree down? We have chain saws?" My hubby looks at me like he's thinking of using the saw, again.

Making it back to Sugarplum Village as the hubby was not waiting on the Express again, we wander until a nice lady says, "Oh, you pay for your tree in Santa's Workshop." In Santa's workshop the nice lady informs us we have to pickup the tree, put it on our car in Blizzard Circle before we come and pay for it. Moving the truck out of Blitzen parking we get stuck again in Snowflake circle finally finding Blizzard and our tree! Riding back down Rudolph lane we are back in Santa's workshop, the hubby looking at me as they charge his credit card, "See, we saved 20 bucks cutting where we did."  "But we left a bush behind," I whisper.

Before exiting out of Santa's House of course you have to go by Santa. I'm all excited, moving to sit on Santa's lap. Poor Santa looks at my big butt and happily pats a chair next to him, "Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

We get lost on the way out, going around Snowflake Circle for the last time before finding the checkout. A very nice lady hands us a free coffee mug saying, "Come back and visit us next year!" sounding like, "Cahum baak aund visuht us nahxt year!"

Finally rolling down Rudolph Lane and exiting the Sugar Plum Christmas Farm I give my hubby the best gift for helping me make a memory!

"Let's go over to Blind Squirrel Brewery for lunch and a BEER!"

Even though our reality was different than what I pictured we still had a blast! Oh wait, I think I'm just saying that for myself!

How do you navigate Christmas tree farms?