Wednesday, September 28, 2016

WTF - Timber, There Goes My Manhood

Since when have we created an entire aisle in Walmart dedicated to "manly" beauty products.

Entire collections of shampoo with names marketers thought sounded manly.

ManlyMan
Manful
YouHaveBalls
NotYourWifes


Some product names making sense, like
Hydrate for Men
Odor Guard

Others, I'm not so sure:
Whatever Messy - I thought pomade made your hair non messy?
Phoenix - Is this made in Phoenix?
Dark Temptation - what does this mean? Will you be tempted to use too much body spray?

Packed full of scent, when we open the bottle the scent of manliness makes all of us want to hitch our pants, add a straw of wheat between our teeth and go ride a bucking bronco.

There's men's shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash and yes, lotion.

What happened to the unscented bar of soap?

"What's this in our shower?" The hubby asks walking out of the bathroom holding up a red bottle.
"Oh that's your body wash," I reply not looking up.
"My body wash? Timber? What happened to a good old bar of soap?"

The boys explain, "Dad it is a Man's Wash, see it says FOR MEN."
He looked at the bottle, "Since when do I shower in Timber, what does that mean?"

"Oh they come up with different scents, we like this one," the younger child replies.

I look up from my book, "Believe me, I spent 20 minutes in Walmart smelling all the different scents before they finally agreed to Timber over the Wolftorn and Hawthorne."

The youngest continues his explanation, "They have different combinations, this one smells good with the shampoo and conditioner."

"Shampoo and Conditioner?" He asks looking over at me.

"Yes, we bought the Antarctic Shampoo and the Timber Conditioner, so you smell good." The child replies like my hubby needed this education.

He shakes his head, "All I need is a bar of soap for my body and my hair, I don't need all this fancy stuff."

"Don't forget your cologne when you are done," they yell after him as he disappears into the shower.

"Over my dead man bag," he replies.

He has decided face lotion is a possibility because well, when you get older there are quite a few more lines and he read face lotion hides a few of them.  Since I haven't bought a "manly" face lotion for him yet, he's stuck with mine.

"Is this the one?" He asks holding up a generic looking white bottle.

"No, that's for your hands," I reply.

"But it says lotion," he asks looking at the bottle.

"Yes, it is lotion, but it is HAND lotion. This one is your full body lotion," I say.

"So use that one?" He asks.

"No this is full body lotion, but don't use it on your face, here is the face lotion. See, it says FACE on it," I hand him the bottle.

He shakes his head, "Maybe we need a Timber version of face lotion, so I'll know what bottle to use."


Monday, September 26, 2016

WTF - The Perfect Wedding Day

Today is my anniversary, I'm losing count on the years and the hubby and I even argue on the exact day, pulling out the invitation yearly as we discuss who was right.  I thought I would share with you the perfect wedding day.


In my mind, I saw a beautiful wedding, me as the bride looking radiant of course, creating the perfect picture in the back of St. Mary's church watching my bridesmaids walking down the aisle, the gorgeous little flower girl and ring bearer before I walked down.

What happened:

The music started, everything was going as I pictured, the bridesmaids walking out one by one. I picked up the antique ring pillow of Bill and Peggy Melang's, handed it to my 4 year old ring bearer, "OK Christopher, it's just like we practiced, are you ready?"

He looked at me with big eyes, "Aunt Kelly, I don't want to carry that thang." (Southern accent please)

Me, "Honey, you have to carry that thing, you are the ring bearer."

Child, "But Aunt Kelly I don't want to carry that thang!" Tears are starting now, bridesmaids are still going out the door.

OK, Plan B, I give Ring Bearer the flowers, the Flower Girl the pillow, "See Christopher you don't have to carry the pillow, you can carry the flowers."

Flower girl looks at me as tears start spitting from her eyes, "But Aunt Kelly, I wanted to be the FLOWER girl!"

OK, Plan C. I grab the pillow, rip the rings off of it, my ring disappears, all I have is ONE RING.

"Oh shit," I say knowing a bride shouldn't be cussing on her wedding day as I drop to all fours looking for my ring. My Dad is standing by the door watching me, laughing, thanks for the help Dad.

Finally after fifteen harrowing sections I find my ring, it is stuck inside Jeff's.  THANK GOD!

I grab the ring bearer and shove the rings in his pocket, "See you are the RING BEARER now!"

I hand the flower girl the flowers, "And you are the FLOWER GIRL!  NOW GO!"

Everyone is mouthing at me as I walk down the aisle, "Where are the rings? Where are the rings?"

I mouth back, "They're in his pocket."

The best man grabs the ring bearer digging in his pocket for the rings, of course the child shouts out, "DON'T TAKE MY 50 CENTS!" as we hear quarters jiggle in his pocket.

So, just like everything in life, I learned the first lesson of marriage on my wedding day.

Life is all about Plan B because we all know A never works.


Oh, did I mention the phone call from my father the next morning, "Honey, we have a small problem. I seem to have misplaced your wedding dress. I put it on top of my car when I left the hotel and drove  off."

"WHAT????" I'm picturing some hooker in downtown Baltimore running around in my wedding dress.

Luckily it was found and stuffed in a broom closet.

Happy Anniversary to Us, here's to all the Plans past A because B-Z are always much more fun!

Friday, September 23, 2016

WTF - Did You Hear Me?

 "selective hearing," definition please,

"characterized as the action in which people focus their attention on a specific source of a sound or spoken words." (definition found Here)

Did you hear me?


My family defines this abrupt loss of hearing is a medical condition, 


"MomSaidWhatitis" 

Hearing diminishes when they hear things like,


"Can you turn that music down?"

"I've got extra strawberries, want them?" (Did you read about my strawberry addiction? Click here)
"Time to clean your room."
"Stop hitting your brother."
"Did someone spend $5 on an online game?"

Hearing is restored or miraculously healed when I say, 

"Dinner's ready."

"What happened to all the Rice Krispy Treats, there's only one left!" (At which point some type of Who Concert style stampede erupts until one gets to the last treat!)
"I'm hitting the grocery store, do you want anything?"
"Did I give you your allowance?"

Some scientists state MomSaidWhatitis is directly related to the sensitive nerve endings of the family's ears. The tone of voice can determine how much of the sound they can hear, some explaining it is like dog whistles.


Some tones, even spoke low enough for the dog's ears perking can reach a child. Specifically the rustling of the cookie bag.

Higher tones, pass through those nerve endings without touching specifically the tone used when saying, "Get over here right this minute."

Scientists also say that sometimes MomSaidWhatitis can worsen if other senses are involved, hearing loss can be aggravated by,


The smell of dog shit causing them to not hear, "Can someone come clean this up?"

The smell of fresh produce, causing them to not hear, "Can someone help me with the groceries?"
The smell of blood, causing them to not hear, "Leave your brother alone.

In order to help a family member with MomSaidWhatitis you can enhance their hearing process with a few things:


Food, scientists say holding food while speaking to the patient gives you a better chance of increased hearing.

Candy is directly related to full hearing mode, unfortunately once the candy is gone their hearing loss tends to worsen.
Electronics heighten hearing if the speaker holds them directly in front of the patient while speaking, like acting like you are talking on the phone.

Scientists investigated the possibility of womens' hearing loss is worse than mens' but determined their condition is a different condition, called ImBusyitis.


Hearing loss usually occurs during multitasking for women.


For instance, hear loss is incurred when spoken to while music is blaring or,

running a vacuum or drying hair.

It is easy to heighten a women's hearing, simply hold wine or chocolate and she can hear distinctly what you are saying. Science cannot determine why this is the case but a full laundry basket can cripple a women's hearing.


Finally, there is a direct relation to hearing and speaking.


Scientists determined women talk more than men because of the above conditions, they  repeat themselves over and over again.


Does your family suffer from these conditions?


Wednesday, September 21, 2016

WTF - Is It Game On? The Gimme List

So Brad and Angelina are now getting divorced.

Oh please, you know exactly who I am talking about.

Tomb Raider and Legend of the Fall.

I know, ya'll said, "OHHHHHHHHHH"

All you single women out there, go ahead and breath your collective sigh of relief. (Or better yet feel better, even Brad Pitt can get dumped)  Then make sure you haven't blocked Brad's number on your phone when he calls.

You have him on your list, right?

The "Gimme" list, right?

That Celebrity list created with your sweet other half,

 where if let's say Brad Pitt or Liam Neesom shows up at your door asking you go to on a exotic vacation and you,

Look at your family fighting with each other,

Look down at the yoga pants you've worn for "I have no idea how many days,".

Someone is in mid fart looking at you saying, "What?"

Then your friends start texting:

Did I just see "hunkedy Hunk Hunk's" at your door?

Why has 15 seconds gone by and you are not sprinting for the car?

Are you having your way with him in your house before you go?

Did he really have a glass slipper that fits you?

Does he have a brother?

I'm packing my bag right now.

Then we all slip back into reality.

From the "Gimme List" to the "To Do List" -  laundry from last month begging to be folded or thrown back into the washing machine because it is "footed."

Or in my case, back to the sexy hunk of man I call my own, who's right there at the top of my "Gimme" list. (Am I buttering you up, honey?)

Wait, my phone is ringing.

Is that who I think it is?


Monday, September 19, 2016

WTF - Friends Don't Let Friends Shop Alone

People ask me about my style, "That's easy I'm classic with a little Bohemian."

They ask me what that means.

"The sweat pants are classic and the top is Bohemian because I don't know what that means."


Ive decided I need shopping buddies, those friends that keep it real when I hit the stores. People who know me well and all the Fashion Faux Pas I've done in the past.

They don't let me do anything in the women's clothing section of the store alone.

Standing outside the dressing room door, waiting, and when I emerge either saying, "Yes you can walk down to the full length mirror outside the dressing room," or,

"Oh hell No! Get back in there and get that shit off."

Having my Shopping Nazi friends with me saves money, they are the voice of reason countering the sales girl saying, "Oh what a beautiful orange blouse for fall," they reply, "You look like the Great Pumpkin, take it off right now."

These are the same friends smiling while guiding me from the juvenile sections of the store to a more appropriate section that has normal sizes like 4,6 and 8 not 0, 2, 7 and 9 (Why are Juvenile sizes different? And how can I easily get in an 8 women but can't squeeze into a 9 Juvenile?)

I need my friends watching me pick out heels laughing, "Tell me when you are going to wear those because I want to video tape you falling all over the place."

They remind me, "Honey, we are at the age where comfort always trumps cute." If I balk they embarrass me with, "What are your bunions going to say to those shoes. You'll wear them for ten minutes then they'll rot in your closet."

I held up a beautiful cape without buttons saying, "Won't this be fun for winter?"

They say, "That's thinner than the toilet paper at your house, you'll freeze to death. Plus one 25MPH wind gust and that cape will be halfway to TN. Girl, you need a coat up here not a cape. Who are you SuperGirl?"

I've even taken them with me to the "Intimates" area because I need sage advice like, "Your boobs look like National Geographic in that bra," and, "Don't bend over, everything will be FREE!!!"

When I'm contemplating that one extra purchase, thinking about what is in my bank account versus what I have in my shopping buggy, they save me money again.

"You won't have enough for that bottle of wine if you buy another pair of socks, heck put away the tunic that looks like a Moo Moo on you and we both can afford a bottle of wine!"

Because, of course, it is all about priority.

Standing in front of the mirror wondering why the Boho Chic hat makes me look like Honey Boo Boo in a Boho Chic hat while on my friend it looks perfect, she smiles, takes it off my head saying,

"There there, let's go have a glass of wine."

Money saved, a glass of wine to be had. I can call that winning.

Friday, September 16, 2016

WTF - Is That Fish Happy To See Me?

We continue trying to be healthy with our meal choices finding out we don't want Chickens with Boobies bigger than mine, or cows with swiss cheese brains, the hubby figures we can get healthy with fish. He looks at me incredulously as I cringe at the package of fish in our grocery cart.

Fish? Fish? Do you know what they do to that fish?

He looks at the package, "Looks normal to me."

"They grow that fish in farms and feed them the shit from the other fish," I say watching the whole family cringe. "We cannot eat that! It is full of shit literally!"

"But it says all natural and fresh," the hubby says looking at the package.

"No we need wild caught fish out of the ocean! Not this stuff, it's so full of mercury I'll automatically spit out a temperature when someone touches me!" I say putting away the package.

"This comes from the person who eats the yellow mustard out of the crab," he mutters, "the filters of the sea."

"That's different, you can't mess with my crabs, wait, that doesn't sound right."

He laughs, "The Old Bay will purify them."

"If that doesn't work, all the beer I drink eating crabs is the perfect sanitization," I say, laughing.

We decide on wild caught from the popular side of the ocean with all the friendly dolphins fish  massaged gently, keeping it calm before it hits the table.

Moving to the rest of the meal, I select a bag salad prompting the hubby to say, "You know you are wasting money buying bag salad, you should buy all the ingredients and make it yourself."

I think about it, part of what he says is true, "But I pay for convenience. If it is pre-made, I'll actually eat the salad. If I have to make it myself it becomes science experiment 1057 in the back of the refrigerator."

"Ah," he says, "What about the deer walking through with shit on their hooves giving us all ecoli?"

"That's why we buy this special vegetable wash, duh," I reply.

"Smells like water to me, are you buying a jug of water for washing vegetables? How do you know this doesn't have cleaning agents containing hormones that grow bigger boobs, though I wouldn't complain about bigger boobs."

I look at him, open my mouth, close it, open it one more time,

"Let's just eat candy from now on."

"Yeah!" I hear from the children running for the candy aisle.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

WTF - Does Your Chicken Have Big Boobs?

If we aren't convinced we're one foot in the grave when looking symptoms online, we're getting there quicker with the food we eat.

I read somewhere that injecting chickens with hormones was making their breasts bigger.

"I'm not buying Dolly Parton chicken anymore," I state to the family.

"What are you talking about?" The hubby asks.

"They are making chickens with big boobs, I want chicken with normal boobs," I say.

"Hmm chicken with big boobs, more for your plate." He says.

"You don't want fake boobs, you want real boobs!" I say.

He laughs saying a line from a favorite movie, "Honey, you boobs feel different.  That's because they are real."

"I want to know what I am eating is real, smaller is better, who wants free range chickens with big boobs, how will they get around?"  I argue.

"Chickens with big boobs, what a picture," he replies.

Of course I follow him there picturing chickens pole dancing with huge breasts, free ranging around realizing they need a good bra, something to hold those puppies in place. I can feel their pain.

"We're getting free range, organic, normal food fed, small breasted chickens. I don't care if the watermelon chickens cost the same price, I want to make sure that shit is real," I say. Our refrigerator is full of small breasted, happy chicken breast, well happy until they met their demise.

Then I start reading about red meat.

"Did you know that we can catch mad cow disease from meat? It could drive us crazy?" I ask.

"You think our meat is driving us crazy?" He asks pointing over to two boys fighting over God knows what.

"This is serious business. There's female hormones in the beef, you could get boobs if you eat too much meat!" I say pointing to the online article, " Man boobs."

"So that's what happened to Bennie," he says with a laugh, "Too many Man Boob hamburgers, at least his Man Boobs are real."

"We've got stop eating hormone meat, especially beef.  You don't know what all those hormones are doing to your body," I say showing him the article.

"We all know you've got enough hormones rolling around in there, you don't need Man Boobs," he says with a laugh.

"I'm not worried about the boobs, I'm worried your brain could turn to swiss cheese from Mad Cow Disease."

"My brain is perfectly preserved and fully sanitized," he laughs taking a sip of his PBR, "Are we going to eat dinner tonight?"

"I bought us grass fed, free range, colloidal silver beef for dinner," Say presenting the roast like it is the Holy Grail, showing them the packaging in case they didn't believe me.

"Are we eating the cow's butt?" One of the children ask.

"What?"

"It says Rump Roast. I'm not eating cows butt," one says while the other looks horrified.

"It's not the butt, it's the shoulder, and it's local organic and grass fed," I reply.

"Then why call it a butt if it isn't a butt?" He asks.

"I don't know, but it is good for you," I reply.

So I'm left with 4lbs of butt no one will touch, grass fed or not grass fed because I'm the only one that realizes it isn't a cow's butt.

Or perhaps am I going crazy from Mad Cow disease, perhaps a glass of alcohol will resanitize my brain.

Are my boobs getting bigger?

Of course the hubby then mentions we can just eat fish.

Fish?  Fish?  Do you know what they do to fish?

To be continued......