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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, February 23, 2017

WTF - Me vs. Self Checkout

Challenge: Get in and out of the grocery store in 15 minutes prior to school pickup.

Challenge Accepted.

I make it through the store in 10 min, even including a trip down the wine aisle.

Of course every line has a zillion people (it was supposed to snow that night) so I pull a Mario Andretti with my cart sliding into the open Self Checkout space better than parallel parking in Boone.

This is going to be easy.
And convenient.

That's what the sign says.

"Please enter your Value Savings Card."

No card, where's that button? Oh here it is.

"Please enter your phone number for card lookup."

Which number? I've had this card for 10 years? 3 phone numbers later the attendant comes over and waves her magic card and I can start checking out!

Everything goes smoothly until I start running Lunchables through the checkout.

I'm about 3 deep in the Lunchables, when it says, "Please put the item in the bag."
I put the item in the bag, how many had I already rung?
"Please take the item out of the bag." I pull one out.
"Please put the item back in the back."
The attendant comes over with a sour look on her face, waves that magic card again and I'm golden!

Moving to Lotrimin creme, buy one get one free. (when you have boys you do buy this in bulk) It doesn't take the second one off? Doesn't it realize this was the whole reason for the trip to the grocery store? All the other stuff if just to hide this? I look over to the attendant, who sighs and walks over to me.
"This is buy one get one free." I say pointing.
She looks up and loudly says, "Let me check that,  Vagisil or Lotrimin?"
"Lotrimin" I say quietly
"What?" She yells.
"LOTRIMIN!"
She comes back and waves that magic card again and 7.99 comes off my bill.

Produce comes along, "Please enter the number for your produce."
I look at my brussel sprouts, I can't see that damn number.
"Please use Produce Number Lookup."
OK
A big screen pops up, I'm guess Brussel Sprouts is probably under vegetable.
Is it organic vegetable, specialty vegetable, common vegetables.
Why can't I find small little cabbages or brussel sprouts.
I look over to the bottle of wine, maybe I should just open that now.

The cashier appears next to me looking at my produce waves her card again, entering in a number.

Grapes! Grapes should be easy. THANK GOD they made the number large enough that I can see it!
I enter the code, leaning close making sure I got it right.
"Thank you." I look, "Holy shit, I'm not spending $14.37 on GRAPES!"

The cashier I guess is watching me like a prison guard, she appears next to me, "You had your hand on the corner of the scale and leaned on it." Another wave of the card and I'm almost done.

Finally the wine, I look at the screw off top but decide against chugging it. I run it over the scanner.

Everything stops again. "Please show your ID."

I hold my license to the screen. Nothing happens, I look over to my best friend, the cashier. She looks at me then hits of few buttons on her screen and I guess I'm legal.

FINALLY, "How would you like to pay?"

I press credit card, swipe my card, we are back to something I recognize.

"Please enter PIN number." I enter pin number.

"The machine kind of blinks at me like, WHAT?" The cashier appears again next to me. "You chose credit."

"OH!" This time I think she wants me out of her hair because she stays with me the entire time I am paying for my groceries, helps me load them into the cart, then moves the cart far away from the Self Checkout area.

Time: 27 minutes, sorry kids.

But I do have to pick up something at the Hardware Store on the way home and they have a Self Checkout.

Challenge Accepted.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

WTF - Songs You Don't Sing In Prison

I love my writer friends, one sent me a text saying, "Text Chain - Name Songs you Don't Sing In Prison."

Well.

That's Easy.

I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
"I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me!"

Do It To Me One More Time -
Need I say more?


Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar
"Hit me with your best shot, why don't you hit me with your best shot."

How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees (I mean just the falsetto is enough, right?)
"How Deep is your Love? How Deep is Your Love? I want you to show me."

My Dingaling - Chuck Berry
"My Ding-A-Ling, My Ding-A-Ling, Can't help playing with my Ding-A-Ling."
Halfway There - Maroon 5
"I know we are only halfway there but you can take me all the way, take me all the way."

Take a Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
"I said Hey Babe, Take a Walk on the Wild Side."

Fanny - Bee Gees
I don't even know the lyrics but the subtitle is "Be Tender with My Love."

Straight Up and Down - Bruno Mars
"Every booty deserves a celebration, really."

One member said simply:

Anything from Wham!!

Back to the list at hand:

Milkshake - Kelis
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they are like
It's better than yours."

Hurts So Good - John Cougar Mellencamp
"Hurts so good, come on baby, make it hurt so good."

Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin
"Cause you make me feel like a natural woman....."

I'm Coming Out - Diana Ross
"I'm Coming Out, I want the world to know, Gotta let it show"

Loving, Touching, Squeezing - Journey
"Na na na na na
Na Na Na Na"

What? I love this song. I couldn't help singing it anyway.

So what did I learn.

You can't sing pretty much any song in prison except Happy Birthday.

Wait a minute, Happy Birthday to Me, that could be suggestive.

Don't forget though.........

Dude Looks Like A Lady - Aerosmith

Oh, and you're welcome for all the songs now stuck in your mind here's one you can safely sing in prison, one I've been singing all day long:

"I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key."

Don't drop the soap.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

WTF - Six Phrases Better than Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, a day for lovers.  When you've been married as long as I've been, sometimes you don't need the "I love you."  You'd rather hear:

 I cleaned out the dish washer.

 You pick the movie tonight.

Honey, let me stop and ask for directions.

I saved you the last bit of brownie.

I folded the clothes sitting on the sofa for three days.

I cleaned the boys bathroom for you.

How do I know I've got a good one?

He thinks it's sexy when I'm multitasking - standing naked in the tub cleaning grime off the wall.

He doesn't say a word when I walk by in a bra and pants because I don't want to get hair dye on my favorite shirt.

He's holding the bucket while I'm holding the child and we're both sympathy puking.

He went ahead with the insurance policy with out questioning a thing, even when I sent him
out in -14 degree weather to shovel the snow.

Books.  Yes, he still lets me buy books.

Anyone that can watch you give birth and still chase you around the couch - definitely worth keeping!

Anyone that can watch you give birth once and still come back and watch again ^^^ yep!

He gets my jokes.  And if he doesn't he acts like he does.  (*smart man*)

He doesn't mind the smell of BenGay!


He knows what Apres Ski means.

Whenever I come up with one of my great ideas, he never looks at me like, "Are you F*cking crazy?"

We have a rule of thumb to only yell at each other if the house is on fire.


Love isn't about roses, or flowers, or chocolate.  It is the little things in life that connect you together.  Happy Valentine's Day from That Grey Area.

Monday, February 13, 2017

WTF - My DingaLing

There's a Melang tradition of a cute name for those unmentionable parts of the body, a tradition I used with my boys.

Of course, I'm not going to divulge the name as my children will kill me, so let's say we'll call it:

DingaLing
Tiny Tim
Ding Dong?

So of course if you give it a G rated name, you also include the act of peeing, with things like:

Dingling from the Dingaling
Tipping Tiny Tim
or
Dinging the Dong?

Today, I'm not sure how we got on the subject of DingaLings, but they surprised me with, "Mom, you know, I thought it really was called a DingaLing."

Really? Didn't we have this conversation, I seem to remember it.

"Yeah I learned it wasn't in kindergarten when I told the teacher I had to Dingle from the DingaLing."

Mom fail, guess I should have explained a little bit better.  Luckily we all had a nice laugh in the car over this one.

Take two, one of my favorite stories when my boys were younger, riding the bus home from elementary school. Of course, I'm waiting at the mailbox as the bus pulls up.

The driver motions with her first finger to get on the bus.

Uh oh.

She turns to my child and says, "Please tell your mother what you said on the bus."

Oh boy, my mind goes to the worst.

He looks at me with innocent eyes and says, "I told Ms. Tina he hit me in the nuts."

I look between them, OK, and what is the problem here?

She looks at me, I get from her stare I have to do something so I say, "I'll have a talk with him." She nods, I guess I did the right thing.

Walking back down the driveway way, I say, "Son, I guess you're not supposed to say nuts on the bus."

He looks at me, "Why?"

I think on this one, "I'm not sure. I guess you should say something like crotch or groin." He just doesn't look old enough to say testicles.

He thinks about this, "How about balls?"

"I guess that would work," I say not really sure.

"Ball sack?" I can tell he's enjoying saying these words and my shock. This time I stop and look at him, "Where did you hear that?"

He shrugs, he's not going to say he heard it from his father.

Which brings me to those pet names when you get older, when you move from DingaLing to:

O'Toole and O'Hare
Energizer Bunny
Dictator
Man's Best Friend
or Mr. Sniffles

I'm going back to a more innocent time where Tiny Tim was just that:

Tiny Tim.

Thought I would leave you with one of my favorite songs when I was a kid:


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

WTF -How Many Inches Are You Expecting?

When you live close to a ski resort, or anywhere in North Carolina holding a season pass to a ski resort, all of a sudden you become an expert when it comes to the weather.

Did you know there 1,487 weather websites on the web?

Yes, I know because I've checked all of them looking for that pretty little snowflake.

And I am not alone.

Chairlift conversations:


Snow looks good this morning.
That's because if you add the temperature to the dew point, here's what you get:

Add together the Dew point and the temperature  = A
then if:-

If A > 7 prob. snow is very small
If A=7 prob. snow = 10%
A=6  20%
A=5 30%
A=4 40%
A=3 50%
A=2 60%
A=1 70%
A=0 80% or more
Wow, who are you AccuWeather?
No, I'm just a season pass holder.
Other dude on the lift, "Then that means a trip to the Skybar at 10:48am, is that too early?"
All of us, "No!"

I love my lowland friends texting me, "Is there still snow?"

Of course there is! Don't you check Weather.com or Weather.org or Averyweather.com or KellysWebCam.com

Of course I am amazed at our snowmaking capability so I send a two page text back:

We did have 16 days of non snowmaking weather and SURVIVED, meaning we are a step ahead. Snowmaking weather returns on Wed night with snowmaking temps through early next week. Thanks to Snomax in our snow, the snow melts slower allowing premium conditions for your visit."

Of course they text back, "Thanks spokesperson for Beech Mountain Resort,  I was just asking if I could crash on your couch."

The best is when winter weather approaches, we all watch the websites, discussing in texts:

What are you thinking 2 hour delay?
Hell no, 4 inches of snow, we'll get a SNOW DAY! YEAH!
I don't know, the la Nina is separated but not divorced yet from El Nino so could be rain.
No, the latest model has the Polar Vortex dating La Nina and El Nino is pissed of so we'll have snow!
I'm not sure, the Canadian Malamute is sniffing around the Upper Low and with Tropical Storm Lady Gaga's Dance Partner cheating with La Nina and El Nino having no idea  it could mean everything misses us and we get a

Blue Bird Day!

The day arrives and it starts with clouds:

"I told you so, La Nina has bigger boobs than El Nino's package!" Someone texts!

Then the rain comes and there's more frowny faces flying along the cell phone lines.

Until

It turns to snow.

"I told you so, you should follow (insert weather website here).com," I get in 15 separate texts.

I hold my tongue because my barometric pressure charts along with the dew point calculations and the dance I did naked on my back deck last night only means one thing.....

Snow.

Monday, February 6, 2017

WTF - I Found My Dealer

So after so many months on the wagon, I fell off the other day, calling my dealer for a fix.

"Hello?"

"Yeah, it's me."
"You shouldn't be calling me."
"I'm calling for a friend."
"Bull Shit."
"OK, yeah it's for me, but I can control it this time. I swear."
"I don't know."
"Come on, I won't tell anyone you sold them to me."
"Ok, what do you want."

"I need 2 boxes of Caramel Delights, 2 boxes of Thin Mints, 2 boxes of Lemonades."



 Kids have a second sense when it comes to sugar. I barely make it through the door and they are both standing in the kitchen, "You got cookies!"


Damn these were mine, I'm already one box in. I don't want to share.




 Where to hide them.

Here ya go, they'll never look in here.


The next day I find a sleeve of thin mints is missing!

"Did you find my cookies?" I ask them.
"Yeah, why did you put cookies in the Corn Flakes Box?"
Not wanting to explain, I turn the table, "What were you doing in the Corn Flakes, you never eat Corn Flakes!"
"The dog's out of food, we figured it was something healthy to feed her."
They blissfully walk off with MY cookies!

I need a new spot, a place they will never look. There's only two boxes left! I've got to make them last!

This place is perfect.
The next day they're walking through the house with my box of cookies! 
"Where did you get those?" I almost scream. That's my book of cookies!
"Weird, I was looking for Espom Salt and they fell out of the cabinet!" My Son says.
"What?" Foiled again, better planning on my part!

And finally the last spot, something they'll never touch!

The Lemonades are MINE! I can leave them in there and have the fuel needed for this dreaded chore.

They're walking through the house saying, "I smell sugar. Mom are you sure there isn't sugar in the house?"

The next day the box of Lemonades is gone and the washer full of wet "footed" clothes!

Wow, those 6 boxes of cookies sure did to fast.

I'm glad they're gone.

"Hello?"
"Yeah, it's me again."
"You ate all of those! You promised you weren't addicted!"
"It's not for me, it's for a gift basket for the kids school."
"Bullshit."


Tuesday, January 24, 2017

WTF - Why They Serve Wine at Target

When I was little, my mother had no problem with smacking me upside the head in any public place when I decided it was proper time to show my ass.

Now, with so many politically correct parenting quotes out there, there are few safe places you can be a parent without someone calling the cops or worse yet, YOUR MOTHER.

Of course the first safe place is Walmart, I can't tell you how many parents I see screaming at their children in Walmart. I'm not sure what it is about that store, the lighting, the smell, some type of opiate pumped through the air system but kids immediately start misbehaving the minute their butts are plopped in the blue shopping car. I've seen kids throw things, I run away from screaming children, down to the little kid crawling under the bathroom stall looking up at me saying, "What?"

I am not the angel, I took my kids when they were little into a Walmart before a vacation because it was cheaper buying supplies. After 30 minutes searching, finally finding them sitting inside a circular clothing rack, I must say I had a few choice words for them.

And no one said a thing, they were busy yelling at their own children.

Another great place is the Zoo. You can spend a lot of time yelling at your children because everyone else is busy watching the monkey picking its butt, or the Hippo pooping in the pond. Your kids can do crazy things at the zoo because most of the other guests figure the child covered in mud, hanging upside down in the tree eating cotton candy is just another exhibit. Once in the baboon inclosure, my son pointed asking, "What's he doing?" I look up and a very large baboon was having a party with his shake weight (code word, dear readers) of course all I had to do was point to his brother, "Look, your brother is licking the glass." See, both are perfectly normal.

Of course, you can always guarantee the family vacation at Disney World is full of screaming children. I went with my kids when they were little to Disney turning to my sister horrified, "They don't serve beer here? We've already bought admission tickets!" She pointed to the sign, "But this is the Happiest Place on Earth?" A equally horrified father leaned over to us, "That's why those big black gates close behind you after you walk in." A few hours into the day, I learned it was normal culture to scream at your children at the "Happiest Place on Earth" as I grabbed the hair of one child trying to jump into the water of the "It's a Small World" boat ride, realizing yes, beer probably would make it worse.

Now that my children are older, they refuse to do the Walmart dance and thwart my suggestions of the learning experience of the Zoo, I've no desire to visit the "Happiest Place on Earth." Now the only place I can take them where it is natural habitat full of screaming children?

Target.

I think that's why they now serve wine in Target.