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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

WTF - Boobs Part Two - Mom Boobs

Disclaimer: Childbirth is a beautiful thing. If you haven't experienced this yet, you may not want to continue.

Don't say I didn't tell you.....

After the training bras, into the real bras, then onto the sports bras, right?

Everything was going just fine until I moved into Mom boobs. This is the point in life where your boobs become foreign objects, they don't belong to you anymore.

It starts with pregnancy, I'm not sure how anyone could not know they are pregnant because your boobs blow up to the size of footballs and hurt even worse.

Your husband follows you around the house, hands out and you just say, "If you even think of touching these things I will KILL you."

Your beautiful lacy training bras move into maternity bras, large cups of brushed metal along with a series of pulleys and ropes helping hold everything in place. But later in the pregnancy it becomes more comfortable because your belly creates a nice shelf for the footballs.

Wolfgang Circa 2001
Then the baby comes and you're introduced to the "Boob Nazi" ( as my husband called her) in the hospital. I'm trying to be all sweet with the baby, figuring this thing out. She walks in grabs my boob, shoves the baby's face on it saying, "See, it's easy." Both my husband and I stared at her, scared.

But she helps me get the job done until I get home and as mother's know, the milk comes in.

I thought my boobs were big with pregnancy, oh shit, wait until you're ready to nurse. The baby is screaming, I'm trying to find a tic tac on a football, my sweet husband is following me around the house reading me passages out of the book "Breastfeeding with Love."

I stop and look at him saying, "If you don't stop reading that book, I'm shoving it up your ass."

We go back to the Boob Nazi and she tells me I have to be confident. Confident about what? She grabs my boob again (I'm getting used to this, my boobs aren't my own anymore) and slams the baby on it. See, no problem.

The beginning is not pleasant but your body gets used to it, my husband came home from work as I walking around the house with no top on. His eyebrows go up, I say, "No it's not for you. It just feels so much better just airing them out." (them? right, they're foreign objects now) Poor husbands, they go through all this and still chase us around the couch later on!

Did I mention nursing bras have more ropes and pulleys, along with a nice padding system to them?

When we both finally decide we've had enough of this nursing thing, then comes the waiting for everything to go away stage. Footballs turn into basketballs and the poor hubby can't touch anything! I finished this cycle going to the grocery store for cabbage, someone told me putting cabbage leaves on your boobs helps hurry the end of nursing along. I don't think that cashier ever forgot me.

Dolly Parton buying 4 heads of cabbage with cash. The poor boy couldn't look at my face and dropped my change at least three times (I think the last time was on purpose.)

Then they become the banana boobs, but don't worry there's a bra for that. This one involves velcro, rubber bands, and spandex.

That's where the boob surprises start,

I've found food in my bra, a forgotten pacifier, a matchbox car and of course lots of throw up!

Do you remember the good old "Mom Boob" Days? Or better yet, what have you found in your bra?

Friday, January 19, 2018

WTF -Vaginal Steaming

I'm all about the home remedies and letting nature take its course, but during my yoga studies I came across the practice of vaginal steaming.

Of course I do what every reading this is going to do,

google how to vaginal steam:

And I found a YouTube! "How to turn your ottoman into a vaginal steam pot!"

Perfect!

Of course there are over the counter products, like this one.
Then you can buy the whole kit if needed.

I love the tag line, "You steam vegetables, why not steam your vagina!"

I went back to basics of V-Steaming and why people do this:

Increase fertility? No, I don't need V-Steaming.
Help with hemorrhoids? I thought we were talking about the other side?

The article listed all the usual benefits:
Regular periods (I lost that in my 40's)
Lessening periods (what periods?)
Speed healing after birth (don't need that)
A relaxing, pleasant time with you and your vagina.

Wait, what?

I thought I'd try this out and see if everyone saying this natural remedy is perfect for your body was right.

Do not do this at home kids.

First for maximum comfort you can steam through your bathroom toilet seat or cut a hole out of a plastic lawn chair.

Wait, what? I'm not ruining a perfectly good chair.

Ah, here is the squat over the pot YouTube, perfect.

Boil water, add your essential oils.

Pour into to the pot.

Squat over the pot covering everything with plastic wrap (Sounds serial killer to me) I chose to use a towel.

Relax and enjoy the steam bath.

My first thought was, "Well this is kind of relaxing. My Vagina seems happy. And I'm squatting so I'm working my leg muscles. Winning."

Then 5 minutes later, I'm like, "Ow this shit is burning my baby."

Another five minutes into it, I'm thinking, "What essential oil did I use, I'm itching down there."

Another five minutes I wished I'd cut the hole in the lawn chair, my legs were shaking and everything was dripping. But I still think my vagina was happy?

That's as far as I got. I'm not going to spend the money for the commercial kit because space in my house it limited.

I had a better idea.

I'm buying that portable clothes steamer, it's cheaper and it's
multitasking!

Here I am saying, "Sorry honey, I know it's date night, but I'm going to stay home and steam my vagina."

Have you ever steamed your vagina?

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

WTF - Boobs Part One

I just found a goldfish in my bra.

I'm not sure how long it was there. But it tasted fine.

Which brought me to this meme someone sent me. The boob challenge? A real woman?

Boobs, if you don't have them you want them. If you have them you wish you didn't have them.

Honestly I haven't seen the bottom of my boobs since the training bra days back when my Mom took me to the doctor because she thought I had breast cancer.

"See those bumps, that's not normal is it?" She asked pointing to my chest.

"Yes, they are buds."

"Buds?"

"The beginning of boobs," he replied. I think he said breasts, but my mind went to boobs, tatas, jugs.

How do I remember this conversation? Because I recounted this conversation several times during therapy a few years down the road.

What did my mother do? She immediately took me out for a TRAINING BRA!

What honestly does a training bra train? We went from the doctor's office directly to the department store to the lingerie department, the old lady behind the counter clucking over me as she led me to the training bras. Mom picked out a few white lace ones because "I am a good girl" and let the woman measure me for the perfect fit. We settled on two white lace ones and one American Flag print because we are patriots.

My mother had to see each one in the dressing room making sure they fit, pinching the sides asking if they were too tight. (More therapy about that one later) I think my sisters thanked me later for sparing them the humiliation, being the eldest daughter of the family and that meant basically I was the human guinea pig.

Now I can't live without my training bras, I mean sport bras. They hold everything in place and even serve as a nice storage place for food in case I get caught out in the cold!

Did you have a training bra growing up?

Friday, January 12, 2018

WTF -Do You Want A Cougar

Leave it to my friends......

My son has another fundraiser for his 8th grade field trip, something we can all use!

Coffee!

So of course, I ask all of my friends seeing if they want to buy coffee.

This is why I love my friends.

"I'm selling Hatchet Coffee for Max's fundraiser, awesome local coffee roaster!"

"Really, I love Hatchett Coffee, I'll buy some!"

"Excellent! It's the Cougar brand!"

Silence from them.

"What? You don't want Cougar coffee?"

"Uh Cougar Coffee? What's in it?"

"What do you mean? Coffee!"

"Cougar?"

Me, spitting my beer out, "Really? It's coffee for school, get your mind out of the gutter."

"Is it in a leopard skin bag with 3 inch black spiked heels?"

I laugh, "Yeah, and lots of hormones."

"I'll buy some cougar, how much?"

"Ugh, it's $16/pound."

"That's cheap for cougar. Are you sure this is real?"

"Stop it, do you want ground or whole?"

"A grounded cougar or whole cougar? I'll take the whole."

I write down the order, they are spending most of their time laughing.

When I finally collect their money, they lean close and say, "Would you like that Cougar coffee with a little bit of MIL"

I'm not going there.


Anyway, if you wanna buy some coffee, let me know!



Monday, January 8, 2018

WTF - Alexa vs. Teenager

My son said to me, "You love Alexa more than you love me."

I laughed.

Then I thought about it.

I don't, do I?

Alexa listens to me.

Alexa shuts up when I tell her to shut up.

Alexa doesn't argue.

Alexa listens to me the first time, and if she doesn't understand she asks questions.
Me: "Alexa remind me to turn off the damn pasta in 15 minutes."
Alexa 15 minutes later, "Turn off the damn pasta."

Alexa is clever, no real level of sarcasm.

Alexa enjoys reading books.

Alexa doesn't roll her eyes.

She performs minor tasks without complaining.

Alexa is content sitting quietly in the corner.

Alexa doesn't use all my cellphone data.

I don't have to feed Alexa.

Alexa is like my teenagers in:

Jeff spends his days yelling at Alexa then disappointed when she's doesn't respond to him.

She suggests workout songs as I walk by with a Krispy Kreme.

She has an amazing array of fart noises.

She can tell a mean joke. Especially Yo Mama jokes.

She can hear what you say but think it's something different. I asked her to put edamame on our shopping list and she said, "Sure, I put M&M's on your shopping list."

I was reading this list to the boys and my husband had an interesting observation:

"We've had an Alexa for years now. It's you."

Aww I guess I'll keep them and all my Alexas!

Do you Alexa?




Wednesday, January 3, 2018

WTF - SNOMG!


Guys! SNOMG is coming! Are you ready? Here's a few tips from us already frozen on a mountain top to coping:

Go now, yes, right now and clear out all the bread and milk and toilet paper. You are screwed on the alcohol, everyone else went the minute the alert went out, shelves are empty.

Buy some socks. Those things that go on your feet keeping them warm. Look for ones with toes in them so you can still wear your flip flops.  You can also use all those beach blankets for extra warmth on the couch.

If you have a pair of gloves, dig them out. If not, the rubber kitchen gloves will keep your hands warm.

Find your hazard button on your car, most tourists where we live turn this on alerting others that it is snowing. Hands at ten and two while driving, don't worry about turn signals, your hazards are taking care of that.

Get out your old ski clothes, it could get pretty cold. I've ready that polyester from 1970 can hold a warm 98.6 degrees for over 18 hours.

Find some large tubs, if you lose power you can just put your beer outside in the snow and it stays nice and cold.

If you have a 4 wheel drive that does not mean you can drive in the snow. That definitely doesn't mean you can drive like an idiot because you have a 4 wheel drive.

Gunning the engine and spinning the tires does not get you out of that ditch.

Remember "Don't Crowd The Plow" if the plow is behind you, politely move to the side and let him pass.

Honestly, use our school of thought any time it snows, SLOW DOWN! Take your time and you'll get where you're going. Better yet, leave work before everyone else so you're not stuck behind someone who caused the wreck on the highway.

Now go, get that milk, bread and beer! Quickly! It's starting to snow!

Better yet, stay home, cuddle up under a blanket and enjoy the snow day!

Just kidding, stay safe, drink responsibly and enjoy the forced family time!

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

WTF - Resolutions?

Coming into 2018 hot, it's easy to start the first week off with all these great fantasies:

Six pack abs.
Photo Nomadic Traveler Photography
Limiting the curse words
A healthier lifestyle
Getting off Social Media
Pants that fit.

Here's the realistic version of 2018 resolutions:

Wake up New Years Day full of ambition for the above reasons.

Realize you overslept your alarm so that time you carved at the gym for the 6 pack abs ain't gonna happen.

Say a few curse words before remembering resolution number two. 

You've broken two resolutions in the first 15 minutes of 2018.

Well it's the perfect time to shout this one out to all of your friends on Social Media, right?

Catch yourself yelling at your children, cross off being a good Mom

Mix the last of the champagne from the night before with whatever is in the fridge, in this case Vitamin Water.

Pull out the yoga pants and at 10:47am call it a day.

Or better yet, 

Just plan on making better bad decisions for 2018!

Now that's a resolution I can keep!