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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, March 23, 2017

WTF - Teenager's Room vs. Walmart

I think traveling into the black abyss of my teenager's room has a few similarities to a trip to Walmart.

I am immediately overwhelmed walking through the door.

I  blindly wander around wondering where to start.

I always find pizza.

I only go when I run out of everything (dishes, clothes, socks, cups)

There is an amazing collection of chips.

I go in looking for one thing and stumble back out with lots of things I don't need or ever wanted.

There are quite a few times I stop and say, "What is that!?!"

I have to wade through a lot of crap looking for what I want.

"What is that smell?"

Looking for what I want involves reaching into some dark corner scared of what is going to touch my hand.

I go in looking for a T-shirt and come out with a  laundry basket of clothes, a bag of chips, a complete set of dishes and no idea how that happened.

I always start both trips smiling and in a good mood, the journey ends with me cursing under my breath.

And of course after a trip to both, I always say, "Nothing surprises me anymore."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

WTF - Things I Never Thought I'd Say as a Mother

Hanging in the local BE Dollar General is like Walmart, I listened to a mother say,
"What are you smelling? What is that on your finger? Is that poop?"

It brought back sweet memories of life with boys, specifically things I never thought I'd say:

PreK Edition:
Is that chocolate on your face? Or poop? Where is your brother?
Of course Superman keeps his cape in his backpack, you don't want everyone knowing your superpowers.
Please stop locking your brother in the dog kennel!
Did the dog food taste good?
What are you eating? Oh well, it's gone now.
It is not funny wiping boogers on your brother.
Do not point that at me, just go to the bathroom!
Where are your clothes?
Don't touch that!

The K Edition
Well, those two dogs are just playing with each other, play like boys not like them!
We do not chase each other naked out of the tub, that's how someone gets hurt.
They are chicken breasts, not chicken hooters.
We do not use the word "nuts" or "balls" in school. Use the proper term.
What happened to the knobs on the radio? Did you take it apart again?
Don't touch that!

The Tween Edition
I know you think it is funny calling every female dog a bitch, but I don't.
No I am not spending 12 dollars on imaginary gold in an imaginary game for your imaginary character.
Who used all my good bath soap on the trampoline?
Those are my cookies, put them back!
If I sit on a wet toilet seat again someone's getting cut!
Why am I signing him in late to school, "For NO GOOD REASON!"
Don't touch that!

The Teenager Edition
Listen, I'd rather get there alive, we're not Speed Racer.
I'd like all my soup bowls back, can you check under your bed?
If I sit on a wet toilet seat one more time I will cut you!
Who told you turn signals were simply suggestions? Me? What?
Please don't use my razor on your balls.
Oh you want to give me attitude? Let me show you how to properly give ATTITUDE!
Don't touch that!

What would you add to the list?

Friday, March 10, 2017

WTF - Small Town Living and Serial Killers

I dreamt the other night I was a serial killer living on Beech Mountain. I hadn't killed anyone yet, planning on using the woods behind my house for the bodies. I had it all planned out then realizing I couldn't get away with murder, especially on Beech Mountain.

Living in a small town can keep you legal and keep you clean. Why can't I hide a body?

Everyone knows my car. That could be a problem. What if I am tying up my victim in the back of my car and someone stops saying, "Hey, it's locals night at Eddies, are you going?"

Everyone knows me. Even with a ball cap and ninja clothes, as I am stalking my victim on the ski slopes someone would stop and say, "Kelly? What are you doing in those trees? Do you need ski patrol?" Of course if I say No, then they add, "Then come on out, let's go to the Skybar for a drink." That poor little tourist in rental skis riding down the slope on their butt wouldn't know how lucky they are. Not only do they know what I wear now, they even know my skiing style. (Several give me pointers on how to correct it)

If people don't know me, they've heard about me. Some of this is a good thing, some of it can be very bad. I could try luring the person standing outside Eddie's smoking a cigarette saying, "Hey can I show you something?" And they'd reply, "Aren't you Kelly M? I've heard about you and your kids. Hey! Look! It's Kelly M." So much for the duct tape and taser in my car.

I can't wave. Beech Mountain locals expect waves up and down Beech Mountain Parkway. If I am a serial killer, I'm keeping a low profile which means no waving. Rather than people thinking I am antisocial, they'd all show up at my house wondering what was WRONG! Of course this would coincide with me dragging my first victim back into the woods!

You're always watched. When they know your car, the gear you wear skiing, the hiking trails you frequent there's no way you're going to hide a body. "Kelly was over there on Pond Creek yesterday, I saw her car there. Did you see the six foot mound of fresh dirt? She's working on the erosion project, let's go dig up that dirt and help her!"

Distractions. I'd finally get a victim back to the house and of course someone would text or call with:
Are you on the slopes today? Drink at the Skybar?
Hey Eddies has crushed candy shot glasses, wanna go?
There's live music at Beech Alpen Inn, are you going?
Who wants to get blood all over themselves when these other possibilities sound so much better.

Living in this small town there's a few people (including my boys on a school morning) that I'd love to put in the woods but thankfully the people and this place will keep me legal and clean!

Could you get away with hiding a body where you live?

Thursday, March 2, 2017

WTF - Commercials vs Reality

Did you know there's a definite difference between reality vs TV commercials!

Pimples. The first commercial is a beautiful woman worried about the SINGLE pimple on her face.

Reality - Craters, lots and lots of craters on your face. And sure it MAY have started with a single pimple, but in reality you pick at the damn thing until you're ready to give it a name, it's so big. Oh and according to the commercial, it clears up the next day. Reality, you look like Freddy Kreuger for a good month or so.

The next product promises a quick family meal complete with everyone sitting at the table smiling as you have meaningful conversation.

Reality - the product is so organic and gluten free that it tastes like cardboard, usually erupting in an family argument as most at the dinner table challenge each other to eating their food. The dog ends up puking later that night because everyone fed her their dinner. Children argue at the dinner table until parents cannot stand it and start grabbing for the first available hair.

Beer - Look at those beautiful skinny people running 26.2 miles then of course hanging out in the bar afterwards sipping on a low calorie beer enjoying time with friends.

Reality - walking up to the beer tent like Frankenstein because you forgot the Body Glide between the cheeks of your butt, accepting the beer, then promptly throwing it up in the trash can as one of your friends says, "Dayum, what is that smell?"

Man and Fragrance - If you douse yourself in that "manly" cologne women magically appear, hanging off your elbows!

Reality - You do DOUSE yourself in the horribly smelling stuff and women start running. Worse yet, you hug one poor woman and the next morning she still smells like your cologne! Lasting memories!

Having your Period - take one pill and all of a sudden you feel like a million bucks, taking care of your children, smiling at your husband, enjoying the day at work!

Reality - Taking 6 pills of said product and it still doesn't do a thing, biting your husband's head off in the morning, threatening boarding school to your children and your coworkers locking you in the closet for the next 7 days.

Cleaning products - use our product and you'll enjoy cleaning your house, the family coming home smiling.

Reality - you can't get the safety latch off the product, then effectively pour it all over yourself when you do. No one notices the clean house when they come home and very quickly trash the place up again.

So you see, commercials think they got us right but they don't. I want to see kids fighting as Mom threatens, while Dad drinks

Now that's a product I'd buy.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

WTF - Me vs. Self Checkout

Challenge: Get in and out of the grocery store in 15 minutes prior to school pickup.

Challenge Accepted.

I make it through the store in 10 min, even including a trip down the wine aisle.

Of course every line has a zillion people (it was supposed to snow that night) so I pull a Mario Andretti with my cart sliding into the open Self Checkout space better than parallel parking in Boone.

This is going to be easy.
And convenient.

That's what the sign says.

"Please enter your Value Savings Card."

No card, where's that button? Oh here it is.

"Please enter your phone number for card lookup."

Which number? I've had this card for 10 years? 3 phone numbers later the attendant comes over and waves her magic card and I can start checking out!

Everything goes smoothly until I start running Lunchables through the checkout.

I'm about 3 deep in the Lunchables, when it says, "Please put the item in the bag."
I put the item in the bag, how many had I already rung?
"Please take the item out of the bag." I pull one out.
"Please put the item back in the back."
The attendant comes over with a sour look on her face, waves that magic card again and I'm golden!

Moving to Lotrimin creme, buy one get one free. (when you have boys you do buy this in bulk) It doesn't take the second one off? Doesn't it realize this was the whole reason for the trip to the grocery store? All the other stuff if just to hide this? I look over to the attendant, who sighs and walks over to me.
"This is buy one get one free." I say pointing.
She looks up and loudly says, "Let me check that,  Vagisil or Lotrimin?"
"Lotrimin" I say quietly
"What?" She yells.
She comes back and waves that magic card again and 7.99 comes off my bill.

Produce comes along, "Please enter the number for your produce."
I look at my brussel sprouts, I can't see that damn number.
"Please use Produce Number Lookup."
A big screen pops up, I'm guess Brussel Sprouts is probably under vegetable.
Is it organic vegetable, specialty vegetable, common vegetables.
Why can't I find small little cabbages or brussel sprouts.
I look over to the bottle of wine, maybe I should just open that now.

The cashier appears next to me looking at my produce waves her card again, entering in a number.

Grapes! Grapes should be easy. THANK GOD they made the number large enough that I can see it!
I enter the code, leaning close making sure I got it right.
"Thank you." I look, "Holy shit, I'm not spending $14.37 on GRAPES!"

The cashier I guess is watching me like a prison guard, she appears next to me, "You had your hand on the corner of the scale and leaned on it." Another wave of the card and I'm almost done.

Finally the wine, I look at the screw off top but decide against chugging it. I run it over the scanner.

Everything stops again. "Please show your ID."

I hold my license to the screen. Nothing happens, I look over to my best friend, the cashier. She looks at me then hits of few buttons on her screen and I guess I'm legal.

FINALLY, "How would you like to pay?"

I press credit card, swipe my card, we are back to something I recognize.

"Please enter PIN number." I enter pin number.

"The machine kind of blinks at me like, WHAT?" The cashier appears again next to me. "You chose credit."

"OH!" This time I think she wants me out of her hair because she stays with me the entire time I am paying for my groceries, helps me load them into the cart, then moves the cart far away from the Self Checkout area.

Time: 27 minutes, sorry kids.

But I do have to pick up something at the Hardware Store on the way home and they have a Self Checkout.

Challenge Accepted.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

WTF - Songs You Don't Sing In Prison

I love my writer friends, one sent me a text saying, "Text Chain - Name Songs you Don't Sing In Prison."


That's Easy.

I Want To Know What Love Is - Foreigner
"I wanna know what love is and I want you to show me!"

Do It To Me One More Time -
Need I say more?

Hit Me With Your Best Shot - Pat Benetar
"Hit me with your best shot, why don't you hit me with your best shot."

How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees (I mean just the falsetto is enough, right?)
"How Deep is your Love? How Deep is Your Love? I want you to show me."

My Dingaling - Chuck Berry
"My Ding-A-Ling, My Ding-A-Ling, Can't help playing with my Ding-A-Ling."
Halfway There - Maroon 5
"I know we are only halfway there but you can take me all the way, take me all the way."

Take a Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed
"I said Hey Babe, Take a Walk on the Wild Side."

Fanny - Bee Gees
I don't even know the lyrics but the subtitle is "Be Tender with My Love."

Straight Up and Down - Bruno Mars
"Every booty deserves a celebration, really."

One member said simply:

Anything from Wham!!

Back to the list at hand:

Milkshake - Kelis
"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they are like
It's better than yours."

Hurts So Good - John Cougar Mellencamp
"Hurts so good, come on baby, make it hurt so good."

Natural Woman - Aretha Franklin
"Cause you make me feel like a natural woman....."

I'm Coming Out - Diana Ross
"I'm Coming Out, I want the world to know, Gotta let it show"

Loving, Touching, Squeezing - Journey
"Na na na na na
Na Na Na Na"

What? I love this song. I couldn't help singing it anyway.

So what did I learn.

You can't sing pretty much any song in prison except Happy Birthday.

Wait a minute, Happy Birthday to Me, that could be suggestive.

Don't forget though.........

Dude Looks Like A Lady - Aerosmith

Oh, and you're welcome for all the songs now stuck in your mind here's one you can safely sing in prison, one I've been singing all day long:

"I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key."

Don't drop the soap.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

WTF - Six Phrases Better than Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, a day for lovers.  When you've been married as long as I've been, sometimes you don't need the "I love you."  You'd rather hear:

 I cleaned out the dish washer.

 You pick the movie tonight.

Honey, let me stop and ask for directions.

I saved you the last bit of brownie.

I folded the clothes sitting on the sofa for three days.

I cleaned the boys bathroom for you.

How do I know I've got a good one?

He thinks it's sexy when I'm multitasking - standing naked in the tub cleaning grime off the wall.

He doesn't say a word when I walk by in a bra and pants because I don't want to get hair dye on my favorite shirt.

He's holding the bucket while I'm holding the child and we're both sympathy puking.

He went ahead with the insurance policy with out questioning a thing, even when I sent him
out in -14 degree weather to shovel the snow.

Books.  Yes, he still lets me buy books.

Anyone that can watch you give birth and still chase you around the couch - definitely worth keeping!

Anyone that can watch you give birth once and still come back and watch again ^^^ yep!

He gets my jokes.  And if he doesn't he acts like he does.  (*smart man*)

He doesn't mind the smell of BenGay!

He knows what Apres Ski means.

Whenever I come up with one of my great ideas, he never looks at me like, "Are you F*cking crazy?"

We have a rule of thumb to only yell at each other if the house is on fire.

Love isn't about roses, or flowers, or chocolate.  It is the little things in life that connect you together.  Happy Valentine's Day from That Grey Area.