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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

WTF - Beech Mountain, You're Where?

Living on a mountaintop we have several sayings unique to the place we live, each with their own explanation and how to use them in context.

Today's lesson is about location, location, location......

I called a friend to pick something up.

"Hey, can I come by to pick up that nose hair trimmer you borrowed?" (this is fiction folks)

"Sorry," she says, "I'm already off the mountain."

People who don't live on a mountaintop translate this phrase to, "I've taken the horses, fed them, gathered what little belongings I have, packed them up, added a few provisions and made my way through the depths of hell off the mountain." They think Donner Family and everything that goes with it.

Visitors to our beautiful mountain community, understand this phrase to mean, "I've made the drive off the mountain, brakes smoking. I must let my poor little car rest for a few hours at the winery before I blow the engine taking my sweet old time up the mountain again." or, "I'm lost somewhere in the High Country, please help me."

But to me, I totally understand what she means, this is what I hear, "I'm off the mountain after not leaving the mountain for the past few days. I'm here provisioning up, planning on not leaving the mountain again for a few more days. So, I'm not coming back up until I have everything I need and don't have to go back down again."

When someone is "Off the mountain" that means they will not make that quick trip back up (Sure it's under 3 miles but UP) for any reason. Happy Hour is a maybe, but everything else is a definite no. The halfway point for me is the first S turn down, that's the line I draw. "I'm sorry you forgot your phone but we are already off the mountain."

Living up here I totally understand what she means, I reply, "Oh, don't come back up the mountain for me, I'll just get it later. Plus the nose hair is keeping me warm during this spring snow."

We mountain top dwellers take our "going off the mountain" seriously. Each time you head down to the lowlands, you're sacrificing brakes, your ears are popping and god forbid you have nose congestion. Reasons for leaving the mountain have to be serious. Plus we love it up here and don't want to leave!

I've always told my children, "If you're at a friend's house in the lowlands, only call me when I have to take you to the Emergency Room, I'm not bringing your computer to you." or, "Everyone swims in their underwear, yours looks like a bathing suit anyway. You'll be fine." (Translation, No, I'm not coming up the mountain to take you to get your bathing suit, I'm already OFF the mountain.)

Being in a beautiful place makes you not want to leave, why go "off the mountain" when you have wide open views, cooler air and of course friends who "hunker down" with you sharing that last bit of wine when nobody wants to go "off the mountain."

What does it take for you to come back UP the mountain when you are already OFF the mountain?

Thursday, March 29, 2018

WTF - Reusable Toilet Paper?

In case you haven't seen this, yes, well, this:  Reusable Toilet Paper

Did you know one tree makes 100lbs of toilet paper?

So the thought process here with Family Cloths is getting rid of toilet paper while washing and reusing the cloths.  You put a pile of these pretty cloths next to the toilet with a plastic bin for collection, then wash and recuse.

My first thought is the person who invented this doesn't have boys.

Who eat a lot.

And, well, you know, use toilet paper.

And who uses toilet paper for only toilet paper?

There's makeup removal.

Nose blowing.

And getting back to teenage boys, well let's not go there.

Who's going to wash that?

The instructions say, "keep the natural toilet paper in an airtight container with laundry soap"

I'd love to see someone coming into the house asking, "What's in that container?" Of course, I'd say, "Have a look and see!"

So I'm wondering are you saving money in the cost of extra laundry detergent!

Because I'm not washing anything with used toilet paper.

Ever.

Then the smell. I lived through 6 years of diapers and the smelly nursery rooms. Going back to that again? Especially for a household of four people?

And me using a cloth that possibly passed a child's butt? Or the boys realizing they are using the same cloths Mom used during "That time of the month?"

"It may get a little discolored from use, but washing with bleach ensures the cloths are clean and ready to go."

And those little buttons on it, hello! Poop magnets! Let me get right on digging dried you know what out of them!

Ewww

But we should do something for the earth and give it a chance right?

"Boys, we're using Family Cloths now instead of toilet paper. Don't throw it in the toilet, we wash and reuse them."

I can only imagine the horrified looks! Then probably fifteen minutes later the first Family Cloth I have to unclog from the pipes.

So you can have your Family Cloths, I'll keep my toilet paper and help the earth by recycling my grocery bags.

Or maybe I'll buy a bidet? Laser focused though, you know I have boys.

Then I thought about a house full of girls and Family Cloths.

Shudder.

What do you think? Could you use family cloths?

Friday, March 23, 2018

WTF - Hanging Out

I have a question. When did dating becoming "hanging out."

Son: "Mom, I'm driving to Boone to hang out with (Insert Girls Name Here)"

Hanging out? Isn't that dating?

No, we're just hanging out.

Where are you hanging out?

I don't know.

How are you going to hangout if you don't know where you're hanging out?

We'll figure that out when I get there. Can I have some money?

Why do you need money if you are just hanging out?

Mom.....

After hanging out sesh:

How was hanging out?

Good.

What did you do?

We hung out.

Where.

Oh, a few different places.

Where's my money then.

I spent it.

Doing what?

Hanging out.

I think going on a date sounds so much better than hanging out. Or is a way to not commit?

So Jeff walks into the room saying, "Hey baby, you wanna hang out?"

I'd say, "Naw, let's go grocery shopping."

Makes more sense, doesn't it?


Tuesday, March 20, 2018

WTF - Things I Will Not Do

Dear friends,

Things I will not do:

Smell clothes to see if they are dirty.

Sniff test anything unrecognizable from the refrigerator.

Wear push up bras, nothing stays in there anyway.

Share my body glide, if you don't know what body glide is--don't ask.

I will not ever, I mean ever step food into another Chuck E Cheese.

Tell my husband "EOC" during an argument. (If you don't know what EOC means, look it up)

Never be rude to a Police Officer,  again.

Believe someone when they say, "We're only going out for one."

Listen to someone who says, "Oh, it's an easy blue, you'll be just fine."

Figure I don't have to time to check if the toilet seat is down.

Pierce anything below my neck. That shit keeps moving down and I'm sure it'd start catching.

Get liposuction, well honestly, I can't afford it.

Finish a book if I've lost interest, ain't nobody got time for that. (except for 50 shades)

Stand naked on my porch thinking, "I don't have any neighbors anyway."

Stand naked anywhere.

Walk through a cemetery at night.

Look for something in a child's bedroom, that's worse than the cemetery.

Stand idly by when I hear someone say, "Hey watch this!" or "Honey, hold my beer!"

Pee in my wetsuit to stay warm, I mean, I'll probably not wear another wetsuit. I didn't like the 3days of trying to get it off my body.

Tell you who I am voting for because I want us to stay friends.

I will never underestimate the intelligence of youth, my kids taught me that.

Most of all I will never forget to laugh each and every day.

What's on your ani-bucket list?

Monday, February 19, 2018

WTF - Frances and Larry Flash Fiction

1,000 words, take an event from my life and rewrite it as fiction.  Here's my dear friend Frances and love her life - Larry.

Bust a Move

It was too early to ask for the dance, he knew it but walked up to the girls anyway.



They didn’t acknowledge him at first, talking to each other deeply about something that involved looking over at the bar then back to each other.  When they realized he was waiting for them to acknowledge him, they both sat down in their beers.

“Would you like to dance,” Larry asked, hoping inside that one of them would say yes.  He wasn’t going to be picky that night, all he needed was a warm body so he could show off the great moves he learned on Let’s Dance.

Frances looked over to Kelly, who shrunk in her seat.  Kelly, was having mobility issues, something in her right hip was limiting to only The Bump.  A appointment with the chiropractor was due for a hipness check.

Kelly looked him up and down, thin, flexible, eager.  “You go,” Kelly said to Frances, “He looks your type.”

Frances looked over to Larry, “I don’t know.  I really don’t want to up stage anyone like I did before.”

They both looked over to see the poor young man drowning his sorrows in a shot after his attempt at dancing with Frances.  No one at the ski resort knew her, it was in the lowlands that she gained the title “Master of the Dance.”  Starting at a young age with The Hustle, Frances was known around town as one that could spin any move.  She could pop when most would hop, swirl when others could only twirl, and tweak what ever came her way until her partner would drop in surrender or exhaustion.

Kelly smiled at her friend, “Just tone it down a bit lady, he may survive.”

Frances walked out onto the dance floor with Larry, both eyeing each other like wolves ready to devour.  “He’s got some nice thin hips, he’s in decent shape, maybe he can keep up with me,” Frances thought as she rolled her hips to soften her stance.

“She’s got some cordination.  I don’t really need her, but I always look desperate dancing with myself,” Larry figured as he looked over to the band and put his hand up in the air.

The first song was pulled straight from the 80’s, Toto’s “Africa” one with an easy beat, not too many crazy twists and turns, so the most basic of dancer could not keep up.  They both looked each other and circled the dance floor like wrestlers getting ready to rumble.

Frances laid down the first line, leting her hip flexors go, the side swipe of her hips caused several guys seated at a table in front of the fire to look her way.  Larry stopped and stared at this woman in front of him and thought, “Oh you want to play that way,now don’t you?”

Larry returned her fire with his hands over his head, his back thoroughly stretched out from yoga that morning letting him show her there are many different ways to show off his assets, the tight blue jeans clinging, black leather vest slight open showing the 6 chest hairs.  The rapid fire of his pelvis caused Frances to stop in her tracks and look at him.  With a slow smiled she moved up close to him, letting him smell her Love’s Baby Soft perfume only to disappear with with a quick dart and twist.  Larry moved with her, picturing the dance mat under his feet, Miley Cyrus on the television, his mind seeing the next light before his foot even stepped there.  Frances, sweating slightly, enjoying their joust, pulled out the shimmy shake, causing several at the bar to completely miss their shot ski.  The tight ski pants, straining against her assets, held on as she moved close to the band, Larry right with her.  They got to the front of the dance floor, as Larry grabbed her around the waist, ducked her under the red lights of the band.  The lead singer came to the part in the song, “AAAFFFFRRIIICCCCAAA,” as Larry came in for the kill.  Frances could smell machine oil on him, wondering if it was part of his job or he just used it to lubricate parts for dancing.

“You’re quite good,” she said as he face came close.

“And you are too, my lady,” Larry replied, taking in a long whiff of Love’s Baby Soft.

“I’m sensing a few Let’s Dance moves here,” Frances said.

He dipped her lower, “Just a few.”

“Then follow me,” Frances said as he moved in for a kiss but she was gone before he reached her, leaving only Love’s Baby Soft in her wake. 

She went over to the side of the dance floor, her body twisting and turning as more eyes went from the party at hand to the dance floor.  Larry followed like a puppy, his eyes never leaving her assets but his rhythm shown in how effortlessly he slid right in behind her.  She showed him a move, and he followed--the yin in her yang as they told a story with their hands, bodies and eyes.

When the song stopped, both stood by themselves in the middle of the dance floor, the bar silent.  The slow clapping started by the poor guy with the shot at the bar, “Well done friend, well done,” he said as he clapped.  It went around the room, as Frances bowed then walked back to her seat next to Kelly.

“Damn,” Kelly said as she took a sip of her beer.

Larry thought he had found his soul mate, he walked back over to their table breathless.  His future wife sat there, the love of his life.  They could trip the light fantastic as they faded into the sunset.

“Would you like to dance,” he asked.

“I don’t know how to,” Frances replied going back to her friend and her beer.

“Another lonely night,” started the second round by the band.

Friday, February 16, 2018

WTF - Craigslist

So I need another book case and decided to try Craigslist for the purchase.

Yep, I tried Goodwill, everything was from 1978, consignment shops didn't have what I was looking for.

I never realized a Craigslist purchase was almost like a drug deal.

Disclaimer, I've never bought drugs in my life, I'm referring to what I've seen on TV.

I responded to an add on Craigslist. "Do you have it?"

He messages back, "Yeah, I got it. Do you want it?"

"Yes, I want it. How much?"

He tells me a price, and I balk, we negotiate

"So, where do you want to meet for the exchange?" He asks.

"I don't know how, how far away are you?" I reply.

"I've got school during the day but can meet you in the parking lot of school. I'm the black pickup truck with the RECESS sticker."

"OK, I'll be waiting for you in the parking lot."

I drive to the school, early looking for the car. Was there a sale on black pickup trucks and was RECESS giving out free stickers? I drive up and down the parking lot as the students walk out until one in particular, a guy in black jeans and a black hoodie signals me.

I stop by him, "Are you the guy with the stuff?"

He nods, "Follow me back here to my truck."

I drive around to the truck. He looks both ways, jumps into the back of the truck, pulling a tarp to the side. "Is this what you want?"

I look at it, "Yep, that's it."

"Do you have the cash?" He asks.

"Yes, I have the cash," I reply.

We both look up and down the parking lot, I hand an envelope over to him. He opens it looking at the bills, then puts it in his pocket, "OK, let's make the exchange."

I watch as a large burly man gets out of the truck, moves the item from the bed of his truck to the bed of my truck. We both look at each other.

"Thank you for doing business with me," He says with a wink. "I have more."

I reply, "I'll be in touch."

Thursday, February 8, 2018

WTF - Home Remedy for Female Eyes Only


Do the past two days, I've wanted to take a blow torch to my hoo hoo. And ya'll understand what I mean if you are female. If you are male and love all the ladies in your life, you may not want to read on.

Yeast Infection.  There I said it.  Say it with me ladies
Yeast Infection.

Itching in places you cannot scratch. I'm not sure which is worse, when the roof of your mouth itches or your hoo hoo itches? What do you think?

How did this happen to me? I'm surprisingly clean from my vaginal steaming? What's that? Click here for my review of vaginal steaming.

So I do what I normally do - start with the natural remedy, right?

Garlic.

That's everything I read. If you are a vampire and get a yeast infection you are screwed because every remedy included garlic.

Whole or crushed? Powder or cloves?

Eat lots of garlic was what I thought I read, but it was a little more complicated than that.

Here's your remedy.  Take a clove of garlic, peel it, tie a string around it and

Stick it up there.  Yes, I read that part twice.

Up where? I wondered, then the picture that came up on the internet shocked me! She needs to shave!

OK, I'm a modern woman, I can try this. Plus I didn't feel like driving off the mountain for the drug store.

I find the garlic in my spice drawer and it's growing a nice plant. I got back to instructions, that's OK, you can still use it.

First peel the garlic. Then tie a string around it. This is not as easy. Did you know garlic peeled is slippery and I didn't have any string except for dental floss that was waxed? After several failed attempts, I finally got the turkey needle out (because that's the only one I can thread) and stuck it through the garlic, tying the knot.

Then you're supposed to stick it up there.  Guys if you've made it this far you might as well finish the blog. I'm looking at the little piece of garlic thinking, "I've had two kids, I think I'm gonna need a bigger piece of garlic."

I'm getting ready to do this but read another important part of the remedy, you do this at night.

At night? To keep the vampires away? No.

Did you know that your HaaHoo is directly connected to your mouth (there is a joke there somewhere and I think it has to do with well, I'll let your mind join mine in the gutter if it goes there) So once you add the garlic to the mix you'll taste garlic as long as it is in place. Ewww, so that's why they do it at night, you'll sleep through the garlic taste.

So I put it where it's supposed to go and it comes right back out again. I guess my Kegel exercises are working! Let's try this again. There it goes! Time for bed and waking up refreshed and itch free!

I try to sleep a burning sensation is churning down there. Garlic burns perhaps that is why vampires hate it? This burns for a while but I am a positive person, the burning is better than the itching, am I right?

I go all night dreaming of Italian food with the taste of garlic in my mouth!

The next morning, the instructions say, just pull the string and Voila! It's out!  So I pull the string and the string comes out.

Oh shit! I'm going to taste garlic for the rest of my life! I go to the trouble shooting section.

What to do if the garlic didn't come out!

Their first instruction was Don't Panic! My thought is "I'm way past that."

I read, it can't get lost, it's in there you'll have to look for it.

What the hell does that mean? It can't get lost? 

"Act like you are going number two and that should bring it out," the instructions say.

So I sit on the toilet and read my phone but nothing happens. Guess I'm looking for it. It crossed my mind to ask the hubby for help as a joke, but he probably wouldn't think this was very funny.

After a few prayers and a little searching, I find it! And both the piece of garlic and I sigh in relief!

Conclusion: It actually worked but I can still taste garlic.

Benefits: Cheaper than the drug store.
I didn't have to leave the mountain.
I made Italian food for three straight days 
Learning my anatomy when it got lost.

Cons: Learn how to tie a knot better.


Oh and By The Way: You can just use these directions. Don't Google Garlic for Yeast Infections because not only will your HooHoo burn but your eyes will burn.  You're welcome.