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Kelly Melang, writer, business owner, avid fitness freak.  If you're not living on the edge then you're taking up too much space!

Thursday, December 8, 2016

WTF - Twelve Days of Christmas

On the First Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
A Learner's Permit for my teenager.

On the second day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
two heart attacks
and a Lerner's Permit from the DMV

On the third day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the fourth day of Christmas ,my teenager gave to me
Four squealing tires
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the fifth day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
Five CLOSE CALLS!
Four squealing tires
three stall outs
two heart attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV

On the sixth day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
Six wrong ways!
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Seventh day of Christmas I got from m
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Eighth day of Christmas I got from my Teenager,
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas I got from my Teenager
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Eleventh Day of the Christmas my teenager gave to me
11 missed turn signals
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas my teenager gave to me
12 grey hairs
11 missed turn signals
10 curbs jumped
9 blind spots missed
8 yells for speeding
7 forgotten seat belts
6 wrongs ways
5 CLOSE CALLS
4 Squealing tires
3 stall outs
2 Heart Attacks
and a Learner's Permit from the DMV!

Sunday, December 4, 2016

WTF - Do you Fraser Fur?

The picture in the head is never like the actual reality is it?

This year we went on our yearly excursion for THE perfect Christmas tree. Little disclaimer to start, my husband it not the best with it comes to crowds, kids and campiness.

Enter the SugarPlum Fairy Christmas Tree Farm. (Go there, they said, you'll love it)

We pull in and are met by a very nice lady,

"Take Blitzen Way down to Comet Road then make a sharp on Snowflake circle, you can park there."

My husband looks at me, "Is that some kind of code?"

Of course he takes the wrong way through Frosty's Garden one of the guys yelling at us while pointing to Snowflake Circle.

The hubby is always the man with a plan, this time it's my turn with the plan! "We take the hayride up to the trees, pick a tree, cut it down and we're good to go!" I say excited.

He looks at his watch, "So what, fifteen minutes?"

I walk around Sugar Plum Village, into Christmas Corner and return back to the hubby with his hands on his hips, "You're late we missed the Sugar Plum Express."

Trying not to laugh, I say, "What?"

"The hayride, the hayride already left, see?" He points to the disappearing wagon. "You went past the North Pole, we are supposed to wait here. Now we have to wait for the next SugarPlum Express."

"Let me take your picture, stick your head in the snowman." Was that a smile?

We make the second hayride, and it circles all around the farm the hubby saying, "Are we back on Snowflake Lane AGAIN, we were just there. We keep circling the trees, tell them to stop and let us off!"

"Oh honey, just enjoy the experience," I say as we finally stop at the trees.

A very nice man in a Carhart suit hands my husband a saw, he looks at it with a "Do what?" I'm handed a white pole. "This is to help you measure your tree." It comes out like, "Thas is here to hep ya murshure yur traigh."

We start up in the trees, Matthew starts with a 75 footer, "This one's perfect!" Max of course goes for the Charlie Brown tree, "I want this one." The hubby picks the first one in front of him, "This is it, I'm cutting it down."

I stop everyone, "WAIT! This is supposed to be a great experience, look at all these trees! We have to find the PERFECT one!"

All three of them sigh, follow me as I look at every tree, five minutes of looking at trees, they all yell, "I love it! It is perfect!" when I pause in front of any tree even a dead one.

I hear one of them saying, "We should have brought water and snacks, this is gonna take forever."

Finally, they can't take it anymore and make me pick a tree. The Hubby holds out the saw to the kids pointing to halfway down the tree!

"Wait a minute!  Go lower, you're leaving part of the tree!"

"Did you see the price list? It's cheaper if it's shorter! Let's cut here." Before I can argue they are sawing away. The kids each take two swipes loose interest, giving the saw to the hubby running off into the forest. He saws, takes off his jacket cause he's getting hot, continues, then asks, "Don't you want to experience this Christmas memory? My heart is racing."

Me, "Naw, your life insurance is up to date, you can do it."

We finally get the tree down, he walks next to another Dad in the farm, pulling our tree saying, "Jeez we have to do all the work AND pay for the tree!" The other Dad sighs, "I know!" Finally we take it down to Blizzard circle for tagging, my husband moaning that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks! The same guy in the Carhart says, "Why did you cut the tree down? We have chain saws?" My hubby looks at me like he's thinking of using the saw, again.

Making it back to Sugarplum Village as the hubby was not waiting on the Express again, we wander until a nice lady says, "Oh, you pay for your tree in Santa's Workshop." In Santa's workshop the nice lady informs us we have to pickup the tree, put it on our car in Blizzard Circle before we come and pay for it. Moving the truck out of Blitzen parking we get stuck again in Snowflake circle finally finding Blizzard and our tree! Riding back down Rudolph lane we are back in Santa's workshop, the hubby looking at me as they charge his credit card, "See, we saved 20 bucks cutting where we did."  "But we left a bush behind," I whisper.

Before exiting out of Santa's House of course you have to go by Santa. I'm all excited, moving to sit on Santa's lap. Poor Santa looks at my big butt and happily pats a chair next to him, "Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

We get lost on the way out, going around Snowflake Circle for the last time before finding the checkout. A very nice lady hands us a free coffee mug saying, "Come back and visit us next year!" sounding like, "Cahum baak aund visuht us nahxt year!"

Finally rolling down Rudolph Lane and exiting the Sugar Plum Christmas Farm I give my hubby the best gift for helping me make a memory!

"Let's go over to Blind Squirrel Brewery for lunch and a BEER!"

Even though our reality was different than what I pictured we still had a blast! Oh wait, I think I'm just saying that for myself!

How do you navigate Christmas tree farms?

WTF - Do you Fraser Fur?

The picture in the head is never like the actual reality is it?

This year we went on our yearly excursion for THE perfect Christmas tree. Little disclaimer to start, my husband it not the best with it comes to crowds, kids and campiness.

Enter the SugarPlum Fairy Christmas Tree Farm. (Go there, they said, you'll love it)

We pull in and are met by a very nice lady,

"Take Blitzen Way down to Comet Road then make a sharp on Snowflake circle, you can park there."

My husband looks at me, "Is that some kind of code?"

Of course he takes the wrong way through Frosty's Garden one of the guys yelling at us while pointing to Snowflake Circle.

The hubby is always the man with a plan, this time it's my turn with the plan! "We take the hayride up to the trees, pick a tree, cut it down and we're good to go!" I say excited.

He looks at his watch, "So what, fifteen minutes?"

I walk around Sugar Plum Village, into Christmas Corner and return back to the hubby with his hands on his hips, "You're late we missed the Sugar Plum Express."

Trying not to laugh, I say, "What?"

"The hayride, the hayride already left, see?" He points to the disappearing wagon. "You went past the North Pole, we are supposed to wait here. Now we have to wait for the next SugarPlum Express."

"Let me take your picture, stick your head in the snowman." Was that a smile?

We make the second hayride, and it circles all around the farm the hubby saying, "Are we back on Snowflake Lane AGAIN, we were just there. We keep circling the trees, tell them to stop and let us off!"

"Oh honey, just enjoy the experience," I say as we finally stop at the trees.

A very nice man in a Carhart suit hands my husband a saw, he looks at it with a "Do what?" I'm handed a white pole. "This is to help you measure your tree." It comes out like, "Thas is here to hep ya murshure yur traigh."

We start up in the trees, Matthew starts with a 75 footer, "This one's perfect!" Max of course goes for the Charlie Brown tree, "I want this one." The hubby picks the first one in front of him, "This is it, I'm cutting it down."

I stop everyone, "WAIT! This is supposed to be a great experience, look at all these trees! We have to find the PERFECT one!"

All three of them sigh, follow me as I look at every tree, five minutes of looking at trees, they all yell, "I love it! It is perfect!" when I pause in front of any tree even a dead one.

I hear one of them saying, "We should have brought water and snacks, this is gonna take forever."

Finally, they can't take it anymore and make me pick a tree. The Hubby holds out the saw to the kids pointing to halfway down the tree!

"Wait a minute!  Go lower, you're leaving part of the tree!"

"Did you see the price list? It's cheaper if it's shorter! Let's cut here." Before I can argue they are sawing away. The kids each take two swipes loose interest, giving the saw to the hubby running off into the forest. He saws, takes off his jacket cause he's getting hot, continues, then asks, "Don't you want to experience this Christmas memory? My heart is racing."

Me, "Naw, your life insurance is up to date, you can do it."

We finally get the tree down, he walks next to another Dad in the farm, pulling our tree saying, "Jeez we have to do all the work AND pay for the tree!" The other Dad sighs, "I know!" Finally we take it down to Blizzard circle for tagging, my husband moaning that cutting down a tree is harder than it looks! The same guy in the Carhart says, "Why did you cut the tree down? We have chain saws?" My hubby looks at me like he's thinking of using the saw, again.

Making it back to Sugarplum Village as the hubby was not waiting on the Express again, we wander until a nice lady says, "Oh, you pay for your tree in Santa's Workshop." In Santa's workshop the nice lady informs us we have to pickup the tree, put it on our car in Blizzard Circle before we come and pay for it. Moving the truck out of Blitzen parking we get stuck again in Snowflake circle finally finding Blizzard and our tree! Riding back down Rudolph lane we are back in Santa's workshop, the hubby looking at me as they charge his credit card, "See, we saved 20 bucks cutting where we did."  "But we left a bush behind," I whisper.

Before exiting out of Santa's House of course you have to go by Santa. I'm all excited, moving to sit on Santa's lap. Poor Santa looks at my big butt and happily pats a chair next to him, "Tell me what you want for Christmas!"

We get lost on the way out, going around Snowflake Circle for the last time before finding the checkout. A very nice lady hands us a free coffee mug saying, "Come back and visit us next year!" sounding like, "Cahum baak aund visuht us nahxt year!"

Finally rolling down Rudolph Lane and exiting the Sugar Plum Christmas Farm I give my hubby the best gift for helping me make a memory!

"Let's go over to Blind Squirrel Brewery for lunch and a BEER!"

Even though our reality was different than what I pictured we still had a blast! Oh wait, I think I'm just saying that for myself!

How do you navigate Christmas tree farms?

Thursday, November 24, 2016

WTF - I'm F*cking Thankful


Oh spare me, it's that time of year where everyone is thankful for this, grateful for that, inspired by whatever. Oh wait, I'm supposed to ride the tide of thankfulness.

So, yeah, I am thankful for:

My Hubby - I am thankful that he simply shakes his head as I test the Darwin theory on a regular basis. I am grateful he usually is by my side on most of those shenanigans.

Sports Bras - when you have tats like mine you gotta hold those puppies in so you don't get a black eye on a run or brisk walk! I am grateful that I went from wearing 6 bras to one expensive but worth the price feeling like a steel tank around those puppies.

Boxed Wine - I am thankful for boxed wine because it lasts longer than those bottles. I am grateful for boxed wine at the dinner party because we start with a nice bottle then disintegrate to the box because no one will notice the difference thus saving money.

Pepper Spray - I am thankful for my pepper spray on dogs sniffing a little too close to my assets. I am grateful for the pepper spray helping separate the boys in a fight. (Did I just say that?)

Urban Dictionary - I am grateful for Urban Dictionary helping me keep up with my kids in the coolness factor. I am grateful when sometimes I'll put in a word and it comes back with, "Do you want the safe definition or the REAL definition." I just wish a few of those definitions I could un-see.

Friends - I am thankful for my crazy assed friends happily going along with completely deplorable shenanigans. I am grateful they keep secrets as well as I do.

Books - I am grateful for the books I write because if I don't write it, I will do it. I am thankful for the books I read helping me realize most authors are just as crazy as me.

Yoga pants - need I say more.

Cell Phone - I am thankful for my cell phone as my personal secretary, telling me when someone is calling, taking a message when I'm too lazy to answer the phone. I am grateful no one had cell phones when I was a kid otherwise I'd be a YouTube sensation. (Go ahead and google my husband's latest YouTube video)

My Kids - I am grateful for my children, especially that they are still alive today after all the stupid shit they've done. I am thankful after all the stupid shit I'VE done, they're still alive.

Finally, I am thankful for this thing called life and grateful for all the amazing people sharing it with me!

What are you thankful for?




Wednesday, November 16, 2016

WTF - Can't we all get along?

So much vitriol, especially on the Internet, I thought I would share with you how I win a political argument when it comes to social media.

It starts with something coming across my newsfeed, something crazy!

I'm not even mentioning what side, but I sit and read this wondering:
How did they come up with this?
This can't be real, I need to re read it.
Shit, it's for real!
Don't they see how wrong they are?
How could they post this shit to Facebook?

Of course I have to read the comments, because once someone flame throws on Facebook the comments get very interesting.

I'm getting more riled up as I read the comments.


I must type my own comment, I must state my opinion.

So I start typing,

typing fast.

Getting mad as I continue down my line of reasoning so different from theirs!

I stop, reread my comment wondering "I should run for office, this makes so much sense!"

I take my comment and move it to a document for grammar check, the last thing I need is someone calling me out on my grammar and not my amazing views!

Everything looks good, I move back to adding my two cents, knowing this will change everyone's view on my brilliantly worded post.

My finger hovers over enter, I pause.

Re read what I wrote, it is so spot on, it could change the world.

Then I realize I am on Facebook, what am I thinking? I'd have to hire a brain surgeon to change their mind.

Delete everything I just wrote and move on.

Winning!

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

WTF - Warning Labels


Have you ever wondered how we all survived childhood? How your children survived childhood? Especially when there are so many secrets.

When my children were small, I wished most of the toys in the toy store came with the following warning labels.

Packaging is designed so only smart strong people can get to this toy.

Loud as Shit.

You'll never figure it out. Engineering degree required for assembly.

 Please have a drink before attempting assembly.

Buy stock in AA batteries.

Doesn't have a volume option.

He'll beat his brother up with it.

Just go ahead and buy one per child.

We've hidden the "off" switch.

Yes, there is one extra part.

You'll have nightmares about it.

Don't ever step on it.

Becomes a nasty stinky mess after the first use.

Just take it from them now.


Now as teenagers, their Christmas list has changed, but I need these warnings:

You'll hate it.  Honestly, after 15 minutes you'll hate it.

It's too expensive for him to lose it after a day.

Don't buy me, just buy the gift card.

Put the parental safety controls on now.

It will never have enough space.

He'll never figure it out.

Put me back, you don't understand cool.

You'll need a drink before you see him wear it.

He'll beat his brother up with it.

You need to let him pick it out, especially if you can't return it.

Just take it from them now.

Luckily I survived childhood because sometimes ignorance is bliss. Maybe they've hidden those secret warnings in the plastic packaging you can never open!

What warnings would you add to some toys for children or teenagers?




Monday, October 31, 2016

WTF - Yea? But did you cry?

How can you not love Halloween?

The one day where you can let all cleaning skills go stating that "Dust and Cobwebs are decorations!"

You get to dress up.

You get to scare people.

Typical Halloween conversation at our house, two days before the event:

Did you buy enough blood?
Of course, I have plenty of blood. The problem is we may not have enough horror flesh.
Oh OK, then I'll use the bloody scab instead and save the horror flesh for you.
You are the best!

If anyone stopped by the house the day of Halloween they'd hear:

Hold still, the blood is going everywhere!
Let me pick that scab off of you, it needs to look bloodier.
Ewww, these guts are sticking to my fingers!

The boys and I have the best intentions: Scare people in the neighborhood haunted house!

So we dress up, we go over and we do our best!

I'm the opening act, so that requires quite a bit of screaming, lots of yelling and of course my signature sequence:

"I have two potions, one is a good potion, one is a bad potion. Which will you choose?"

The sadistic part of me loves when they choose the bad potion because, the good one smells like flowers the "bad" one a few sprays of my "Instant Smelly Shit" spray.  So not only do I scare them but I get to enjoy their reactions when they choose the "bad" potion!

The boys are zombies in the graveyard and they take their part very seriously. So seriously that they come in saying, "So the guy that runs the place says we have to scare according to his rules, do we have to?"
"What are his rules?"
"Don't freak out the little kids."
I think about it, "Yeah that sounds about right. The adults and teenagers, go for it!"

We spend 3 hours with spaghetti noodles, Instant Smelly Shit, Barf Spray, Jello and of course, treats.

We stop periodically for "Fix my flesh Mom, add some more scab to it."
"I need more blood, I'm too pale."
""Mom, I lost my teeth!  Where are my teeth!"

The end of the night we are laughing about all the people we scared, everyone telling different stories. The best line of the evening was:

"Well, I made two little kids cry, did you make anyone cry?"

It was a good night, a dark and stormy and very good night. Cobwebs and dust included.

Segway post about Karma. Sure I love scaring all the little kids with the Smelly Shit so I get it back when my son decides he wants to see what it smells like and spills it on himself in the car on the ride back.